Archive for May, 2011

Is suicide the answer?

12 May

I have spent the last 2 weeks taking medication that I don’t think is helping me and spending more and more time in bed. My business is beginning to fail and I don’t really care. I have no want for life at all and although I have been going out to see my GP every other week, I have pushed everyone else away in my life. No-one in my family is aware of what has happened to me as I don’t see the point in telling them. I have said I am really busy with work at the moment and this seems to keep them at arm’s length.

The same can be said about my friends. They are all based around a sport I do and since December I have stopped doing that sport and also seem to have pushed those people away as well. Why do I feel the need to press my self-destruct button? I have been through a list of people in my life and can honestly say that not one of them wouldn’t be better off if I wasn’t here.

And so I started to take tablets I had at home. Part way through, a young family member called me as she wanted to tell me about something she had done at school. She really wanted to take that time to tell me and so she must think something of me. I realised taking an overdose wasn’t my best decision and so I stopped taking the tablets. However I looked online to see if the amount I had taken so far would have done any damage and I couldn’t find an answer.

So I phoned NHS Direct to see if it was ok (the last thing I wanted was to die when I had actually decided that might not be the answer at the moment). They told me they were sending an ambulance and I would be taken to hospital. I said there would be no need for that and if they recommend I get checked out then I would make my own way there as I didn’t want to waste an ambulance. I was told no, because I lived on my own one had been called and control would be calling me and asking me some questions. I was devastated. I was brought up to respect emergency services and only call in a true emergency – which I did not believe this to be the case.

When they arrived, I apologised profusely but wasn’t made to feel like I was wasting their time (although am sure they felt it). They took me to a&e where I was admitted to the medical assessment unit and kept an eye on. I have to say I have a lot of respect for the staff on that ward. Even though they knew the reason I was there, not once did they make me feel any less of a person. After 24 hours, the on call psychiatrist was called to assess me.

He brought with him a man from the crisis team (not one that I had met) and they asked me why I had been discharged a few weeks previously. I was honest and said I found them patronising and they wanted to put me in a box that I didn’t feel I fitted in to and they didn’t know how to deal with that. The way he laughed made me realise he understood exactly where I was coming from. He however said the only way they would let me home was if I promised to give them another go for at least 1 week. I agreed and was discharged.