Archive for August, 2011

Assessment with therapy services

24 Aug

My assessment with the psychological services was today. The man who did the assessment reminded me of an abuser and so I found the whole thing extremely difficult. I have managed to get my whole history down to 2 minutes and it only filled 1 side of an A5 jotter pad – that’s how many times I’ve had to go through it all. I’m sure I’m starting to miss things out but I am getting tired now of all of them.

The therapist told me he thought CBT could help and also EMDR (which is supposed to have had success with enabling memories to be processed and therefore stopping flashbacks) and so I would be put on the waiting list for these services. He asked me if I had a preference for male or female therapist. Normally I am really not bothered; I think it is more about the person and the relationship than the sex of them. But because he reminded me so much of someone I knew, I requested a female to make sure I didn’t get him – is this wrong?

We then discussed CBT and if I knew about it. Briefly for anyone that doesn’t Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a therapy that looks at the way you think, and the impact of how that makes you feel and behave in the present. And so if you change the way you think, that in itself changes how you feel and behave.

As an example (taken from, you’ve had a bad day, feel fed up, so go out shopping. As you walk down the road, someone you know walks by and, apparently, ignores you.

From this can come both unhelpful and helpful reactions:

Unhelpful  thoughts: they ignored me, they don’t like me!

Unhelpful emotional feelings: low, sad and rejected

Unhelpful Physical: stomach cramps, low energy, feel sick

Unhelpful action: Go home and avoid them

On the other hand a helpful reaction:

Thoughts: They look a bit wrapped up in themselves – I wonder if something is wrong?

Emotional feelings: Concerned for the other person

Physical: none – feel comfortable

Action: Get in touch to make sure they’re ok.

As you can see CBT is very much a now centred therapy in that it looks at your thoughts now. Whilst I know it has helped a lot of people my issues are twofold:

1 – I feel that the NHS have jumped on the bandwagon because it can be done in relatively few sessions as opposed to the more traditional talking therapies that could go on for years. Therefore, in essence, I feel it is somewhat of a cost saving exercise for them. I have no issues with this if it works, but one size doesn’t fit all and for some people CBT just doesn’t work for them!

2 – I used the following analogy of my view of CBT with the therapist in the assessment: let’s say you break a leg. It is x-rayed and put in plaster. That plaster I view as being the CBT. But what happens about the fact the reason the leg has broken is due to a bone disease as an example. I guess what I am trying to say is that CBT is more a patch up therapy.

Anyway, the assessment ended with him asking if I still would be willing to give it a go. I replied that it was my only option and so yes of course. I am now on a waiting list that is apparently about 3-4 months. I will go in to it with an open mind (or as open as I can manage!)


The aftermath

23 Aug

So I am still here!! Let me explain what went on over the weekend. As I planned, I took tablets and then I woke up, so I took some more and so the pattern went until the Monday morning. The following is what I have been told, I have literally no memory of the whole thing. Monday morning my cc left me a voicemail saying it was important I called her today and if I didn’t she would have to call the police. Then she came round, and I apparently got out of bed let her in the building and put the main door on the latch and then went back to bed. I wasn’t making a lot of sense and she told me she was going to call an ambulance but somehow this turned in to her taking me to the hospital herself. When I was asking her about it I asked if I was compliant and she said no, I didn’t want to go at all and for the rest of the day I kept saying I wanted to just go home to bed.

I spent 8 hours basically being ignored and I then self discharged myself – I knew I had a psychiatrist appointment the next day so didn’t need the on call psychiatrist to see me. I had come round a lot by this point and although I felt really ill, I knew I was ok enough to go home.

So how did I feel? Relieved to still be alive? Or angry that I was still here? To be honest, I didn’t really feel anything. Part of me thought maybe it was fate that I am still alive – the fact that my chosen method had been spoiled and that I also found out I had nowhere enough tablets to be fatal. Another part felt stupid, I couldn’t even do this right and then the other part thought did something inside me, that I had ignored, actually not want to die. That if I 100% did wouldn’t I have done something that would have made sure it was the end?

So in reality, I have no idea how I feel – do I still want to die? I want to get rid of this feeling I permanently seem to have – if that means dying then yes, I do! I just feel so alone and I don’t know how to overcome this!


At peace

18 Aug

So this was my day. For reasons I don’t want to go in to on here, today is the day where I would see what happens when you die. I have accepted it and feel very much at peace with the whole idea. My original idea has gone now and so I have decided to try to just numb the pain with all the tablets I have accumulated over the past few months.


Still a risk?

17 Aug

After calming down from yesterday – I do what I always do when I feel let down or similar. I ask myself what was their intention? Did my cc wake up that morning and say today I am going to piss her off – no I very much doubt it! Her intention was purely one of keeping me safe and looking out for me.

So when she came round I had an apology to make. I rarely give them but if I am in the wrong then I will admit it. She said she was grateful and could understand why I was so angry but they had given me a choice and left me in control still. That they could have easily taken me to hospital and they were still taking a risk. I accepted her point and said I would see her the following day.


A different psychiatrist

16 Aug

I wake up to hear my apartment buzzer going, something that doesn’t happen unless I am expecting someone. I look to my phone to see I have a missed call and voicemail – it is from my cc saying she is coming to see me with a doctor for a chat. I open the door for them.

I am really not a morning person and the fact I don’t sleep very well – to be woken up doesn’t put me in the best mood to begin with.

I am introduced to another psychiatrist and told that because my consultant is on holiday, they just want to chat with me to see where I am up to. Then the psychiatrist takes over and says, “to be blunt I have detained people on less than you have told us so far”. He said “we know what date you intend to do it and you have the means so why shouldn’t we ask you to go to hospital?”

He then changes track and asks why would I want to do it anyway. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Based on most people’s western beliefs there are 3 possibilities when you die:

1 – nothing happens

2 – you go somewhere worse

3 – you go somewhere better

If you give them equal weighting then you have a 66% chance that you will be in the same kind of state or better than what you are in now.

Him: But why would you gamble everything you have on those odds

Me: Those are great odds. Put it in another context – you are told that you currently have £10k, and if you chose to, you can have odds of 66% that you either keep that 10k or get more – what would you do?

Him: Ignore the £10k, you are basically asking if I would put everything I have on the line for a 66% chance – no

Me: That is where you need to look at what that person is putting on the line. You obviously have quite a lot to lose, but what about someone who has nothing to lose? They are amazing odds for someone with nothing

Him: Let’s change the subject….

After this exchange it makes me think psychiatrists aren’t used to being questioned themselves!! He tells me I have to show him that I am helping them to look after me or he will have to look at admission. He asks for part of the thing I was going to use – which would mean I couldn’t use my planned method. I say you are backing me in to a corner and basically saying if I don’t do it your way then it’s no way. I either give you this piece or you will put me in hospital. He said basically yes. I gave him the equipment. I also had to agree to see my cc on the 18th.

I am absolutely fuming. The one thing I need to have is control. They took that away from me in the initial assault and I felt like again this was taken from me. My cc asked if I was ok, I said no. She asked if she wanted her to stay, I said no. And then I did something I have never done or thought I would ever do; I told them they could see themselves out as I sat crying in anger.

This has just made me more determined to do something – show them that I have the upper hand. I called the cc to cancel the 17th appointment as I would be seeing her on the 18th. She asked if I was ok, I said “no I am pissed off – I feel betrayed and lost any trust I had in you”. She asked to see me still the next day to talk face to face about the way I felt – I agreed and then sat and cried.



15 Aug

Today is the Monday of the week I plan to die. From my perspective, I don’t feel that I have any reason to live. I know they say CBT etc can help but that can’t change what has happened, only the way I think about it. I still think the world is a bad place where anything can happen and I just don’t want to be a part of that world – no amount of CBT can help that!

I won’t be putting what method I plan to use as I don’t want others to try it – if you are like me and desperate enough, you will find a method that is right for you – I am not here to make that easier for anyone, just me!

I had an appointment with my cc today and she has asked if she can come round on the 17th to see me and see how I am. I am fine with that. I feel bad that she will have to justify her actions but I will leave a letter exonerating her from any wrong doings – she really has been there for me over the past few weeks and if it was another time, maybe things would have worked out.



09 Aug

My second appointment with the psychiatrist and it was just me and her this time. I was more surprised than anyone to find out we got on really well – she understood my humour and me hers and things definitely turned a corner with us!! She told me that she had diagnosed PTSD officially and I was text book with my symptoms. She said that the depressive thinking was part of it – not due to major depression like they had been trying to treat.

She told me she still wanted me to stay on the anti depressants and I told her I had stopped both the mirtazapine and quetiapine as I hated the way they made me feel. The quetiapine initially knocked me out and I spent 2 days asleep and after that I had really vivid dreams and sometimes actually thought I had done something in real life that turned out to only be in my dream. I felt really out of control and so I stopped them.

We then moved on to the issue that I mentioned to my cc a couple of weeks ago, that I intended on ending my life on the 18th. She asked if this was still true – I said yes and I had most parts now to how I was going to do it. She said she genuinely hoped I would give it a second thought and they thought they could help me in the long term. She told me she was away on holiday after this week and she would make me an appointment for when she was back. She understood it was after the 18th but she hoped I would still be alive to make the appointment.


New medication

03 Aug

I really don’t like this new medication. I feel really ill on it and after giving it 5 days I don’t think I can take it anymore. I rang my cc who spoke to the psychiatrist and faxed to my GP a prescription request for quetiapine (option 2) so let’s see how this one goes!