Archive for September, 2011

GUM Clinic

30 Sep

Yesterday my cc (care co-ordinator) approached the subject of getting tested for STI’s. I knew it was something I had to face but someone else saying it really hit a nerve with me. I have been up most of the night thinking about it and I decided to just go and do it. I found a local drop in centre and went. I wrote a little note basically saying I was raped in the past and please can you take this in to account as this is a very stressful thing for me to be doing.

I thought it would be bad, I was nervous and scared but it was worse than I thought. I really shouldn’t have gone alone – I was stupid to think I could deal with such a huge thing by myself. During the internal, I just lay and cried. The nurse was really nice but it was so triggering for me. I left in a complete daze and when I got back to my car I just broke down in huge sobs. I have never cried properly over what has happened and it seemed to just come out in that moment. I felt like I was having flashback after flashback with no break and had no idea how I was going to drive home.

When I first started with the CMHT (community mental health team) I was given the contact number and told if I needed help at any point to call this and speak to the on duty worker, I never in a million years thought I would use it as I have issues with calling for help. But I didn’t feel I had a choice, I felt frozen tot he spot and needed to speak to someone so I called.

It was a complete waste of time, he obviously had no idea of my case and I felt uncomfortable telling a strange man that I had been to the gum clinic and I guess there was nothing they could do anyway and so I hung up. I was totally on my own and have never felt it more than at that point. It took me 4 hours to get home – a car journey that is no more than 20 minutes at the most.

Now I am home, I feel horrid. I have some strong prescription pain killers from an accident a couple of weeks ago and so I am going to take enough to knock me out so I can get some peace.


The question I’ve been dreading

29 Sep

I know it is a long time between the last post and this one but nothing much happened during this time. I saw my cc every week and as it stands now we are just getting to know each other and trying to build a trusting relationship. This means so far we have just sat and talked about more general things and then when I’ve felt up to it I’ve mentioned some bits of how I am feeling.

I have found this difficult – I have never said out loud what has happened to me and I really struggle with it. I know I need to and out of everyone who is trying to help me, my cc and GP are the 2 I feel most comfortable with and so hopefully I will eventually be able to say things to them. Today she brought up the whole sexual health question. This is something I have been both dreading and avoiding. I know I need to get tested for STI’s but how can I go and do that when it will be so triggering for me? She has said she will go with me and support me through it all but I just don’t feel comfortable with this. I need to think this one through as I know I need to face up to it!