Archive for November, 2011

Reasons for suicide

27 Nov

This week has seen two well known names commit suicide. Angie Dowds and Gary Speed. Admittedly, Gary Speed was more of a household name and therefore the media (including social) went in to overdrive.

I know depression and all things surrounding it has a lot of stigma attached to it but until I read some of the comments (especially on twitter) that other people fully believe, I didn’t understand the full extent of the issue.

Before I go on, I want to say everyone is entitled to their opinion, that’s why we are lucky enough to live in a country that allows free speech and this is mine. You can disagree with it, but you cannot say it is wrong – it is my opinion and to me it is true!

The biggest comment I have seen is that suicide is selfish. A lot of these weren’t said in a negative way just more as a passing note. For example, Joey Barton on twitter said, “Suicide is a mix of the most tragic, most selfish, most terrible (and I want to believe preventable) acts out there.”

So here is my take on things using my current experiences. I have spent the past week feeling suicidal and if it was something I went ahead with, in no way do I see it as selfish. In fact, I view it as quite the opposite. I feel that family would actually be better off if I wasn’t here. I don’t want to go in to my reasoning here, that isn’t the point. What is, is that I fully believe that I would be doing them a favour by not being here. Surely if you look from that perspective, there is no selfishness involved?

The comments are made that I am not thinking rationally and it’s my depression ‘talking’. But that is exactly the point. As it stands at this very minute one of the driving factors of suicide is that people would be better off without me – so how am I, as a person, being selfish?

If it is my depression that is making me think irrational thoughts then surely it is this illness that would kill me, not my behaviours (ie selfishness?). Trying to put it in to context of a physical illness which people tend to understand more.

Is it selfish to die from a physical disease? That is never ever a question brought into it. What if someone died from lung cancer brought about by smoking – are they selfish for smoking? No, so why is someone with depression selfish when the illness wins? Just like if the heart stops working it can cause death, so can the brain when it isn’t functioning properly. So please, before passing judgement – understand what is happening fully and then I hope you will think twice!

Suicide happens for a varying amount of reasons and we will never know why most of the time. As I have spoken about before on this blog, I feel that I can’t rebuild a life knowing what I know and that I won’t be able to function to be the person I was on the road to being. So what would you classify this as; despair? Hopelessness? Sadness? Someone on twitter even said suicide is about anger.

Well I disagree with all of those. I don’t attribute it to an emotion because in the place I am currently, I don’t feel emotion. I feel dead inside. There is a nothingness. And whilst I don’t feel anything I also can’t be the person my family and friends knew and who they want me to be. I can’t be the confidente they spoke to about their problems. I can’t be the aunt who takes her nieces to fun places. I can’t be the daughter who makes her parents proud. I can be a burden – that’s all. And I guess that’s my point – if I wasn’t here, all I won’t be is a burden – now is that selfish? I’ll leave the judgement to you!!


Applying for DLA

21 Nov

I have put off applying for DLA (disability living allowance) for a few reasons:

1) Denial – if I gave in and applied for it, then I was accepting that this was happening and I was in a bad enough place that I needed this

2) Media – from all accounts in the media, this is being cut ALOT and so I didn’t think there was any point

3) I just actually couldn’t be bothered!!

However, my cc has been telling me for a few months to get the form and we could fill it in together. Well whilst she was away I called for the form and that’s what we did today. Something that I didn’t think would be a problem at all turned out to be. I didn’t realise how low I have got and the problems I have until a 3rd person was telling me their perspective and filling the form out (obviously I’m signing it and agree with it but she wrote it as I couldn’t even do that!!).

The fact I haven’t even cooked anything for over 11 months is pathetic and the only people I am now seeing are professionals (having pushed everyone else away). This is an extract for one of the questions which asks about having someone with you when outside:

“I am very anxious when outside and would not be able to keep myself safe in an unfamiliar environment place as I could dissociate, become unaware of my surroundings and I have also been suicidal and may feel impulsive about putting myself in danger.”

This is all true but seeing it written down is a lot different from having it going around your head. I wonder if the government realise how difficult filling in a form can be and how ironically something that is there to essentially help you, actually sends you the other way with that form!!



16 Nov

I have started to feel really angry about everything that has happened and I think this is because my lack of liking CBT. It was kind of sold to me as the holy grail – all would be sorted with this elusive CBT and medication was just to try and stabilise my moods. I was fine with this plan until I realised I don’t actually like CBT and with my cc still away, I have no real sounding board. So I have been feeling a lot of rage building up inside and as I started this blog as a way to air my thoughts – that’s exactly what I am going to use it for! So I am pre-warning if you don’t like swearing or might be triggered then you might want to leave now!

I hate everything I have become because of you – what gives a group of men any fucking right to take my liberty away from me – to fundamentally change who I am? Why did you bastards do it? What did I do that was so bad to deserve the torture you put me through? Well, congratulations you broke me – if that was your intention then here, have a huge round of applause!

I am nothing now – I hate every fucking piece of what you have left behind – nothing but a shell and a weak one at that. Why would I want to rebuild? Why would I want to live in a world where people like you fucking exist – that demonise the human race. Where you think degradation, humiliation and dehumanising someone is fucking alright

I hate that you have taken every tiny bit of self esteem I had, any confidence was kicked out of me that night. There are things you all did that shouldn’t even be fucking imaginable, never mind inflicting it on another human being and those are the things I will never be able to speak about. They are disgusting and therefore I am too – and to you in particular, the one who obviously set this up – I shared things with you – you were supposed to care for me and you knew about my childhood and yet you took part in this – getting a massive fucking pat on the back for thinking of it – you warped bastard – how could I ever have had feelings for you. Not only did you take my self-esteem and confidence but you also totally fucking removed any ounce of trust that I could ever rely on another human being in my pitiful life.

How am I supposed to build my life back up like everyone keeps saying to me when I don’t want to? I don’t want to start from fucking scratch again – why should I? Why, when apparently I’m not to blame for any of this am I left to deal with it all? I have a daily battle of suicidal thoughts and all because of you, a bunch of knobheads who thought it was funny – how the fuck was it funny!!!

I don’t go out now – why? Cos every time I see more than one man together I freak out – I’m scared because of what I now know is possible. I don’t want to feel like everyone is an enemy but how the fuck am I supposed to feel when someone who supposedly cared for me treated me like that.  So what about someone who has no feeling towards me – what would they be capable of???

The only thing I am sure of right now is I hate who I am and I don’t see that changing – so thank you – thanks for fucking everything. I wish you had killed me that day, I’d now be in a much better place!!!


Body flashbacks & reality

14 Nov

A lot has happened over the past week including the outcome of the work situation I posted about last time. However for this post I’m going to concentrate on two things; one that has really affected me and another that scares me.

The first thing is about what I have now learnt to be called body flashbacks. So far in my PTSD, I have suffered bad flashbacks, memories and nightmares and this has been the main area we have tried to sort out with medication. Unfortunately everything I’ve tried has been unsuccessful in one way or another and so we (me, my cc and psychiatrist) put all hope into psychotherapy services which I have just started. My experiences of flashbacks are always horrendous but I’ve kind of come to accept them as part of my life (plz don’t interpret that as finding them easy to deal with as I don’t, but just something I have accepted will happen).

Towards the end of last week I had an experience I’d never had before which included feeling actual pain that I had during the assault. I really don’t know how to describe it, the pain was very real and is something I’d never felt before so I knew exactly what is was from.

I turned to twitter to ask about this and found that flashbacks can be physical as well as the audio and visual ones I normally have (thanks to the people that replied on twitter by the way). This, for me, has been the worst thing yet and I’m not sure if its because it is something new or because the physical pain is very interlinked with the emotional after effects of the assault.

Luckily as I write this, I haven’t had one since but from what other people have said, I should be expecting more!!

The second thing I want to touch on is something I am struggling to put in to words and I can’t find any info on google because I don’t have a name for it. Maybe someone who reads this might be able to help?

I’ve noticed that I am convinced that something has happened that hasn’t. Let me give an example and hopefully it will make more sense. I have a little niece who needs a hernia operation & obviously everyone is worried about it and was apprehensive about when the date of the op would be (they live in America so system is a lot quicker than here in the uk).

I was speaking to my mum about it and saying I was going to call my sister-in-law to see how things were doing. My mum asked me to find out how the docs appointment had gone on to find out when the op would be. I told her the op was the 10th of December and went in to great detail about when my s-i-l told me this. The problem is, I didn’t have that conversation with her (I actually last spoke to her before the appointment with doc had even happened) and no-one had told me the 10th dec – I’d completely imagined the whole thing. Now if this was a one off, then I could put it down to some kind of reason (not sure what), but it isn’t. This is just an example of many things – down to small silly things like sending an email only to find out I hadn’t sent it – even though I vividly remember the words I wrote and everything.

And this is what scares me. I am starting to get mixed up between what has actually happened and what I think has happened. How do I know what is the actual reality?

Does any of that make any sense to anyone? There is nothing malicious about the thoughts – they fit in with what is happening in my life (eg my niece and her op is real). It’s really freaking me out!!



08 Nov

I’ve never really gone in to my work patterns apart from to say I have my own business that has suffered ALOT because some days I find it hard to just get out of bed and therefore I have lost a number of clients due to not being able to fulfil my role. The thing is, this hasn’t bothered me at all – something I spent a number of years building up is crashing down around me and I don’t really care.

However, now I have a quandary. I used to have a client who I worked approx. 40 hours a month for and when I started to get ill, they moved a lot of my work over to a different company and introduced a number of different systems. I couldn’t really blame them, but a small part of me was quite hurt as I had supported them through a lot of tough times and helped them grow from 2 people to over 40 – often working hours unpaid. When I started feeling this way, I met with them and asked for 2 weeks reprieve on tasks as I needed some personal time – they said no, they needed someone there and then and it’s not something they could support (this is when they started moving my tasks elsewhere and eventually reduced my hours until I was no longer doing anything for them).

Then I got a call from them. The other person they used didn’t understand their way of working (both directors are very much, ‘we need it yesterday’ people and I was too so we worked well together). They have basically asked me to take on the workload (with the new processes) which involves client management (approx 500 people) that would mean me placing welcome calls to new clients and problem solving for them. They said apart from the 2 of them, I knew their business in and out and therefore could answer everything – something that has come from the years of experience that can’t really be taught!

So, in essence this is great – but in reality I don’t feel I am that person anymore or that I can provide that service – I struggle to get out of bed, how can I take care of a businesses clients? The role involves having a separate phone that will be on all literature as a contact number. When I think of doing the job, I get a feeling in the pit of my stomach of dread and get really panicked!! But, and this is a huge but – I don’t have any money and if I don’t get any I am looking at losing my apartment and getting further and further in to monetary difficulties.

I really have no idea what to do – do I go ahead and do something that I really don’t think I can (and therefore goes against my ethics and morals) or take it and try to blag my way through – although no idea how I would manage it.

I’m not in a place to make decisions, I struggle to decide when to have a shower nevermind something of this magnitude. Any advice welcome!!


First CBT/EMDR Session

07 Nov

Today has been a long time coming. Ever since I’ve been involved with the mental health services, it’s always been said to me that medication etc isn’t the answer for me. That it might give me some reprieve (eg sleeping), but that they believe therapy of some sort is the answer. I’ve gone along with this way of thinking and attended all assessments I’ve needed to get to today.

I had my first appointment with a lady therapist (going to call her t from now on) and to be honest she seems nice enough. I realised I wasn’t there today to judge her but to try and let her in to my world so she can help me.

My main concern (and has been for a while) is that everyone, including me, has put so much emphasis on therapy that it feels quite pressured – i.e. if this doesn’t work then there is nothing left.

So t asked me what my thoughts of cbt were & I said I’m sure you’ve read the letter from my initial assessment and know I’m fairly sceptical about it but that I’m willing to give it a go if it can help me.

She drew what I assume to be the very basic relationship model between thoughts, feelings, behaviours and physical attributes and gave an example of each – I’ll put the ones she said here:

Thought: I can’t be bothered
Feelings: low and depressed
Behaviours: staying in bed
Physical: no energy because not doing anything

And this is where I have a problem with cbt. That all looks very simple – change either thoughts or behaviours and that impacts on others and you start to feel differently etc etc. And in some instances I truly believe it can work like that. However, like I asked today – where does the belief system fit into all that? All our thoughts are based on our beliefs. If for example I believe I’m the most gorgeous thing since *insert name of someone you think is good looking*, then my thoughts are going to be confident ones which then lead to confident behaviours which then back up the initial belief.

In my eyes cbt misses out this integral cog of how we work on a deeper level. I think I am worthless – that is my belief. Therefore how will changing my thought (eg I can’t be bothered) or my behaviour (eg get out of bed) change that belief – it won’t. The only way to change a belief is to deal with it at that deep level, not on a superficial level i.e. the thoughts – because your subconscious will always try and self sabotage your efforts if you don’t.

I don’t know if any of what I’ve just typed makes sense but it’s how I currently view that type of therapy.

Back to my session today. She asked about my general mood and I explained how hard a week I’ve had and that I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts but my cc knows about these and we are trying to work through them (or someone else whilst she’s away). She seemed ok with all that and said she feels a few sessions of cbt will be good for me until my mood stabilises and then we will try some EMDR. I know the basics of that but not enough to go in to detail here – I agreed to give it a go.

She asked me to fill out a thought diary and gave me the sheet and I told her that to be honest it’s probably something I’d struggle to fill in as I hate those kind of forms. She said that’s fine and if I couldn’t we’d talk about why I couldn’t in my next session.

And that was it!! A sleepless night worried about essentially nothing. And then as I was about to leave she told me she would be calling the cmht to tell them I was suicidal and she was worried. Yet again, I understand the legalities of it all but I told her I’d said nothing to her that I haven’t to them and that they are aware of my current thinking.

I am due to speak to a social worker tomorrow in place of my cc so assumed it would be brought up then but I got a voicemail from the duty worker asking if I’d prefer to go in and see her rather than just a phone call. I won’t be doing that – I will talk on the phone at a push but I’m not going in. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings but in my eyes, nothing has changed from when I last spoke to the cmht!!!

I’m more than aware this post is a bit all over the place so apologies but I’m just getting everything out that’s going round my mind!!!


Who am I?

01 Nov

I think I might have touched upon these things in previous posts but have never really gone in to details. However, after my appointment with cc today I finally verbalised it and got it straight in my head. She said that she could understand where I was coming from and was being extremely rational (something I always think I am).

When I was raped, I lost who I am – what my identity is and in all honesty my motivation and ambition for life. It hit me last Friday when I was sat in for another night whilst people I knew were all getting ready for a night out. That would have been me, I would have been having a drink and relaxing the week away.

And this is where the problem is. I don’t think I want to rebuild my life. I am more than aware that I can never go back to the person I was – I don’t think anyone can after a trauma as life events shape who you are. But when I look forward, everything that I should be excited about leaves me feeling cold. Meeting someone I want to spend the rest of my life with means reliving what has happened. Having children and therefore internals is the same thing – something I don’t want to ever do (where as before it was).

That’s why I have been having so many suicidal thoughts and struggled to fight them – I don’t want to rebuild a life and so in my head what is the point of being here. I used to be a totally different person and I don’t like or want to be the person I have become and therefore feel that I only have one option!

This is no means me saying I am going to do something – it is just trying to give an idea of the daily internal struggle I am currently going through