Archive for May, 2012

End in Sight

30 May

I wasn’t sure whether to write this. It’s been on my mind for a while but never felt it was right to get it down on my blog. However, I think this will give a much more rounded view and the reason for writing this blog was never to pick and choose my topics, but to write about my journey and this is definitely part of that!

I have given a lot of thought to my life, where I’m at and where I’m going, over the past few weeks and truly feel I have made a decision. This world isn’t for me. I’ve spoken openly to my therapist about this and to an extent my care coordinator (cc). I can see that there is a way to deal with my past, that I can lessen the impact it has on my life. That I can change my goals and wants in order to become a ‘new’ person where my past is just that.

To get to that point is a difficult path and if I dig down deep inside myself, I could possibly get there. But I don’t want to! It’s as simple as that. I don’t want every day to be a battle, a fight where I have to will myself to even move out of bed. To have to fill in worksheets looking at my emotional reasoning and changing the fundamentals of my life – all because of what happened to me!! I just don’t want to! There is no irrational thinking or lack of capacity, this is a decision based upon looking at realistic factors. Also, no one can guarantee (with any of us), what life holds and I am not willing to take that chance that I could end up back in a bottomless pit of darkness trying to clamber my way back in to some semblance of life!!

And maybe that is why I am finding it a bit easier to do certain things – because in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter anymore. It doesn’t matter if I have a panic attack, I won’t be here soon to have to deal with them. It doesn’t matter if I eat junk all the time, there won’t be enough time for consequences. I could go on, but think you can get the gist!

I have turned going to America in to a chance to say a face to face goodbye to my family – to see them one last time so this isn’t something that will happen imminently. However making this decision has given me a kind of calm that makes getting through these days a bit more bearable. I’m not sure if I am writing this very well, but it’s not something for me to be sad over – just to accept and get on with!


Suicide of someone I know

25 May

Yesterday I got the news that someone I knew had killed themselves. I don’t really want to go into it but it was someone that contacted me through this blog that I was trying to help through a bad time – I obviously failed!

With the news has brought a whole range of emotions – I’m not great at dealing with the ones I already had, nevermind a few more thrown in there. Someone suggested I write them down so that’s the reason for this post!

I feel:
Stupid (why did I feel I could make a difference)
That I let them down

Maybe this blog is a bad idea if provoking distressing things for people!!


Crisis Accommodation

19 May

This week has been a long one. After the mess I got myself in to last weekend, the place at the crisis accommodation couldn’t have come at a better time.

Tuesday saw me have an appointment with my therapist and this is where I first mentioned the weekend and the impact it had had. It was emotional and we talked about the feelings leading up to it & how I could maybe use some strategies to stop me getting to the point of feeling like I need to punish myself.

After that appointment I pretty much went straight to a review meeting with my psychiatrist and care coordinator (cc). I’d seen my cc on the Monday and when she asked me what I’d done to my eye, I said I fell (feeble and ridiculous I know!!). I’d made the decision I was going to be honest and tell her what had happened in that meeting and so that was another emotional hour.

Finally, I then went to the crisis accommodation to ‘check in’ and had to go through everything in my past – from suicide attempts to the reasons behind them and then a lot of questions on symptoms, self harm and coping strategies. Needless to say by the end of Tuesday I was mentally exhausted and I had an early night.

If I’m honest, I was still unsure what the use of me being there was going to be. The time I struggle the most is in the night and there was only support between 9-5 when there was supposed to be staff on site. But I’d promised I was going to give it a go and so I stayed. Wednesday saw the student sw coming round to do more graded exposure work. Thursday I had some reiki at the accommodation and Friday my cc came round.

All was ok and I honestly felt I’d really tried to integrate myself. I’d gone down on the thursday morning to the communal area to have a brew with one of the support workers, had the treatment and actually stayed there for longer than a few hours.

Friday afternoon though I hit a crisis point and got myself in a real state. I went for a shower to try and distract me but when that didn’t work I decided to go downstairs to speak to a support worker (me asking for help is not an easy thing!!). But there was nobody around. I sat for about 45 mins, got really panicky and started to struggle with my breathing and so went back upstairs. I then plucked up the courage to call my cc as I was feeling those impulsive thoughts that I get and am really trying not to act on them!! But she was in a meeting. I even asked if the student sw was available but no. So I was left with all these emotions and I’d really tried to get help but to no avail.

At this point, if I was at home, I would have done something (maybe cut or taking too many tablets), but I didn’t have those options available to me, I had to try and deal with these emotions. Thankfully, a support worker knocked on my door to ask how I was and the fact I was in floods of tears gave it away. She came in and we sat and talked for over an hour. It was purely chit-chat but the distraction helped to get me over the pinnacle of my emotions.

So back to my original question – was it any use for me? I think yes it has been. It’s not been life changing, but I don’t think anything can be. What happens when I go back home on Monday, I’m not sure – with all options open to me will I cut instead of call for help for example? I can only take one day at a time!!


Drinking & it’s Consequences

12 May


After a tough week I decided to have a drink yesterday – it was just going to be a couple of Jack Daniels, but soon turned in to the remainder of the bottle plus a few of bottles of cider and then I started on the vodka. I was in a total mess and I have no recollection of what happened after about midnight but I know from twitter that I went out.

I woke up this morning back home fully clothed and with a black eye. I am pretty certain what happened but with no memory, I can’t be sure. I know I am sore down below and got a few bruises on my body. But this brings about a load of questions:

– If I did go back to the group that did this to me originally, why?
– Why would I want to put myself in that position again
– Surely if I went back to them then I deserve all I got (again, if it did happen)

I feel like I’ve taken a giant step back and have no one but myself to blame for this. I’m totally stupid and a complete idiot for putting myself at risk like I assume I did.

Feeling extremely fragile now (and not because of the raging headache I have!!!)


Crisis Accommodation Update

11 May

Yesterday I went to meet with a member of staff at the crisis accommodation I have previously posted about. She asked me some standard questions like name, date of birth etc and also about my risk of suicide, but the question that got to me the most was, “What do you do in your spare time?”

Well firstly, spare time activities implies things I do for pleasure. I don’t do anything for pleasure anymore – even the smallest things are part of a plan, things I’m working on – definitely not pleasurable. So having a nice relaxing bath has become a distraction technique and going out to try to jog is part of my graded exposure, nothing pleasurable about trying to stop thinking about suicide or managing anxiety The question really had an impact on me and made me think again about how far away from the person I used to be.

On the way home I could feel myself getting really angry at myself;

Why couldn’t I verbalise my thoughts when asked?

Why couldn’t I ask any questions and instead seemed to have lost my voice

How pathetic I was with the fact there were people at the lunchtime drop in club and I couldn’t even go in the same room as them.

I could feel myself going down the usual road of starting to beat myself up and this usually led me to taking a non-suicidal overdose. So, I did it, I called the office and spoke to the student social worker (my cc is off at the min). She couldn’t really deal with me and so passed me on to the duty worker. I struggled to speak to her (I felt she was very abrupt) and she said she wanted to come out and see me. It was about 4.30 and I live in a place that is notorious for traffic. She called me about 4.45 to say they were stuck in traffic and I told her to just turn around, there was no use sitting in it. She agreed but told me she was going to ask the out of hours duty worker to call me later.

And she did, and was really nice – it felt like she was really willing to listen. I wasn’t very talkative and at the end of each call she asked if she could call me back in half an hour/ an hour. I spoke to her 3 times in total and although I don’t think I’d ever use that service again, it was nice that they stuck to their word and called. Unfortunately I also ended up cutting, I felt I needed to be hurt for being such a failure in the day!

Anyway, the result of the visit to the accommodation is that I go on Tuesday for up to 7 days. I have mixed thoughts on it but giving it a chance as it might just be what I need!!


Mental Health Review

04 May

Today I got a copy of my latest mental health review as I wanted to see exactly what had been sent to the crisis accommodation people so I knew exactly where I stood if I decide to go on Thursday. I have decided to put it in on my blog as it sums up where the service thinks I’m at currently. I’m not 100% this is a good idea, but want to be make this as open and honest an account of my journey that it can be.

Below is the risk assessment in the ‘harm to self/suicide’ section – I’ve only included the ones that were ticked:

“Suicide attempts – yes
Incidents of self harm – yes
Any expressions of concern from others about the risk of harm to self/suicide – yes
Considered/planned intent – yes
Expressing high levels of distress – yes
Expressing ideas of self harm/suicide – yes
Helplessness/hopelessness – yes
Living alone – yes
Psychiatric diagnosis – yes
Recent discharge from mental health inpatient service – yes
Major life event – yes

Current situation:
Can’t see future for herself, feels the work needed to be done is overwhelming.
Feels she will continue to make attempts on her life but has no specific plan or intent, feels that she would like support at this time in trying to manage her distress that is leading to suicidality. Will ask for help, but is often not able to due to the distress often being out of hours. X has significant difficulty in talking to people on the telephone and finds this unhelpful at times. X describes currently going from 0-60 in her emotions and associated impulsivity will then surface. X is willing to look at alternative management techniques but feels that nothing is as effective as small overdoses to sleep the intense feelings off and is ambivalent about the fact that this may accidentally kill her.
Is DSH via cutting arm superficially with a razor.
Is using overdoses of over the counter sleeping tablets to numb emotions and distress and is trying to sleep away days to avoid experiencing the intensity of emotions.

Factors increasing risk:
Feels there is another version of her in a parallel universe that will continue to live even if she dies (quantum physics theory)
Impulsive nature.
Level of emotional distress experienced.
Minimal protective factors
Finds it difficult to talk on the phone and her distress is often out of hours

Factors decreasing risk:
Nieces x2 are protective factors at times
X reporting she would like support with managing these feelings of distress and is accepting of extra support at this time.
X aware of alternative ways to try to manage distress and will make efforts to do these.”

I know this is just one section of the review (it’s 19 pages) but after reading it, I think it shows that although I’m really struggling at the minute, I am also asking for help and trying to get through it!!


Too High Risk?

03 May

I saw my care co-ordinator today and in my last email I mentioned that I was waiting to see if I could go to a crisis accommodation place. Well she has been liaising with the manager and had to send over my care plan and a risk management document. It turns out that I am too high risk and they aren’t sure I can stay there.

I have to go and see the manager next thursday and see if they can help in any way. If I’m honest, I feel really confused. I thought the name gave it away that the place is for people in crisis and so surely there is going to be an element of risk associated with people going there?

My cc said on paper I look really bad and it’s only because she knows me, she knows that’s not the case. She also assured the manager that if I promise something, I stick to my word!

I feel like I’ve extended my hand for help and had it slapped away – really don’t know if it’s worth going on Thursday as I can’t handle the feelings of rejection that might come up!