Archive for August, 2012

Latest Therapy Session

09 Aug

This week, I was made to see that I needed to face up to a fact that I have set a pattern of self-destructive behaviours and that I find it easier to do these than deal with the reasons behind them. If I am honest, I have stayed away from truly exploring the reasons behind this.

In therapy, we have worked on coping strategies to try to stop me indulging in self-destructive behaviours but we have never discussed the ‘why’. Last week I did all the things I’m trying to stop; from cutting and over eating to the more dangerous and harmful thing of revisiting my abusers. I know I hate myself, that’s been a common theme throughout my blog – but why do I feel the need to follow this hatred with harming myself?

This has been the metaphorical elephant in the room in my therapy sessions and this week I decided to address this. From my therapist’s reaction, I think she was waiting for me to have this realisation rather than trying to probe in to it when I wasn’t ready for it.

We looked at my thought process that leads me to go down this route and she picked up on the thought that has been prevalent throughout all our sessions and that revolves around “it’s my fault”. So we looked at what in my past has made me so self-critical. It was a difficult session because in the past we have either touched on recent traumas or my childhood abuse or my upbringing (eg relationship with my dad) but to go through all of it at one time trying to pick it apart was tough and something with which we still have a way to go.

I took in to the session something I had discussed with the voluntary sector the day before – bear with me whilst I try to explain the analogy of the eye of the storm! When I go back to the people who abused me, I completely detach from my emotions and it is like the eye of the storm – it is calm and quiet. I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous, how can it be that when such horrid things are happening to me that I feel nothing, but I am just trying to explain how it feels. Then in the days after when my mood goes bad again, this is like moving through the actual storm. The problem comes when it is so much closer to go back to the eye and hit that clam again than it is to ride out the whole storm and come out the other side.

The problem with this is that each time I go back to the eye of the storm, I am essentially sending me back to the beginning of my journey and this is what is frustrating everyone involved in my care (me included). Who’d have thought I would be writing that I find it easier to be sexually hurt than I do to deal with it and if that offends anyone, I apologise but this is where my journey has unexpectedly taken me.


Post-Hospital Emotions

01 Aug

Following on from my last post, I had a visit from an SHO who wanted to speak to me and asked all the usual questions you get in a psych consult. Asking about my suicidal thoughts and what had changed since I was admitted, as well as just a general chat about me and what I get/got up to in my general life. She was actually really nice and she knew about my work (which very few people do) and so we talked about that for a bit. She told me she had to feed back to my own psychiatrist and would do it as soon as possible but a tribunal was going on so it could be a while.

Next, my psychiatrist came in to the dorm and asked to see me privately. She said that the other doctor had given a favourable report but she was extremely wary of letting me go. She shared her concerns, that my decision date was that actual day and how did she know that I wasn’t spinning them a line in order to get out and actually commit suicide. As I have a relationship with her, she knows my word is important and I told her that I promised I wasn’t doing that. As someone suggested on twitter, I had written a support plan so had written down what I would do if I felt I was struggling and what I wanted to try to achieve each day (as basic as get out of bed). She told me she had spoken to my care co-ordinator and she had thought I should stay in for longer to stabilise (at which point my heart sank). Fortunately, my psych decided to give me a chance and discharged me. Little did I know that she had already made this decision before I spoke to her and luckily my discharge meds were ready for me so I could literally just leave the ward.

I was absolutely ecstatic. I knew that if I didn’t get discharged that day then I would be in there for at least a week whilst my psychiatrist was on holiday. I came home and got enveloped by the opening ceremony for the Olympics and to be honest was just so relieved to be home, that’s all that mattered!

On the saturday night, still feeling invincible, I went out with a friend to a local comedy gig. I hadn’t been out like for a LONG time and had a drink and enjoyed myself. I slept for the rest of the weekend – a mix of medication and the fact I had been woken every 15 mins since Tuesday!

I spoke to my cc and therapist on Monday and arranged appointments for them both but I felt so much anger when I spoke to them. I couldn’t work out if it was anger at them or just anger and they were the people I had spoken to and therefore just misplaced. I saw my cc yesterday and mentioned this to her. She asked if I was angry at anything she had done? I told her I wasn’t best pleased she wanted me to stay in hospital but it wasn’t anger as I understood that was her job. I kind of just left it there and hoped it would dissipate. My cc is away next week and so I won’t be seeing her for 2 weeks.

And then it hit me like a brick wall. For the life of me, I couldn’t think of a trigger, a thought or incident etc but I just felt my mood drop. The empty feeling returned and started to swallow me up again. I took my medication and went to bed hoping it would be different today. But it wasn’t, it was worse.

I went to therapy and my therapist told me she is going on maternity leave and so we have a set number of sessions left to sortthings out. We discussed where this would likely take me up to and she believes that we will have done most of the emotional regulating work. I explained that I hoped we would have reached that point a lot earlier than that but she said she wouldn’t move on to actually dealing with the traumas as she wouldn’t want to leave me in the middle of something. Apparently they aren’t replacing her whilst she is on leave and so I would go back on a waiting list (which is currently 12 months) for any actual therapy about my traumas. I don’t really know how I feel about this. My initial reaction was I’m not willing to wait so long and so cut my losses now and just give up on therapy. But then that wouldn’t do me any good either! To be honest, I don’t feel in a place to think straight about it at the moment so am just parking it and taking it as it comes!

S where am I at at the moment? I feel so low, I am scared of going back to the suicidal place, so much so that I have been pretending with my emotions. I’m supposed to be happy I’m out of hospital, so I was trying to be happy. I’m supposed to use this whole experience to propel myself forward, so I tried to do things out of my comfort zone. But, as a friend said to me, how about just feeling what your feeling. I can’t take away from the fact that I have had a crappy experience by being in hospital and I need to accept that and allow myself to feel the emotions attached to that. I do worry where that is going to take me, but fighting against it isn’t going to do me any good!

This post has been very much a thought diary and so I’m not sure if it makes any sense at all to anyone but me!!