Archive for November, 2012

TW: Feeling Suicidal

30 Nov


Those who have read my previous posts will know this is a particular tough time of year for me. I’m coming up to an anniversary and last year around this time, I completely lost the year we were in, believing it to be the year before the trauma happened. I’m really scared what might happen this year and I’m just on the verge of giving up.

I saw my care coordinator yesterday and spent most of the time talking about my diagnosis and when she left I realised I am using that as a front so I don’t have to discuss my true feelings. So I did something I never normally and called to tell her this (before I lost my bottle). She was in a meeting and so called me back today instead. I explained and she said its not difficult to see how much I’m struggling at the moment, that I’m not reactive to her jokey ways and couldn’t even look her in the eye. She asked if I wanted to go back on the ward, I obviously I said no!! She asked if some respite time might help (the crisis place I’ve stayed at before), but I don’t see how that could help me.

I’ve felt like I’ve really tried their way of coping; mindfulness, relaxation, sleep hygiene, my 10 steps plan and yet nothing can draw me out of where I am at the moment. We’ve added in prn of one of my meds but even that is having no effect and so that leaves me with my old coping strategy. I know if I just took these tablets then I could get a few hours of solid sleep but I also know they class it as a non-suicidal overdose and am very much advised against it. But I am feeling so low and can’t be certain of my actions so surely this is a lesser of two evils?


Mish Mash of Thoughts!

26 Nov

This past week has been one of the darkest times I’ve had and even now I am in a very bad place but I have had to deal with a few things and just need to get things off my chest (that was the reason for starting this blog after all!!)

Things started to go downhill for me when I went back to a place where one of my traumas happened (you can read more about it on this blog post). I didn’t cope as I thought and it triggered me more than I thought it would.

A few days after that I had my last therapy session before my therapist goes on maternity leave and it was a bit weird. It wasn’t like we were saying goodbye because I had come to the end of needing therapy and so it felt like we spent the hour skirting around that and like there was an elephant in the room.

In the afternoon I met with my care co-ordinator and my psychiatrist for a medication review and general 3 month appointment. It has been my aim to discuss my diagnosis and the fact I don’t believe I have BPD and instead complex ptsd (as seen in this bpd v cptsd diagram I made). She looked at the diagram and said there is a lot of crossover but she has been trained in ptsd and not anything else so I have to understand that’s where her training is. I told her I appreciated that and that’s one of the reasons I did the comparison but she said she wouldn’t diagnose c-ptsd as she didn’t know it.

She then said tell me your symptoms – now I wasn’t expecting that question and it’s actually quite difficult to name everything (and trust me I’ve kicked myself for missing things out) but when she asked me about my suicide risks and I said I wasn’t actively suicidal but I didn’t want to talk about it. Her reply was ‘that’s why I think you have bpd because other people answer my questions in out-patient appointments’.

Of all the things I’d been through in the previous week and even in that appointment, it was this comment that I just broke down on. She asked why I was so upset and I told her that I feel I spend all my time keeping all these boxes of memories and issues closed as much as I can. That twice a week (one in therapy and one in cc appointment), I’m to open one or two of these boxes for an hour and then try to close again until the next time. I explained that today I just couldn’t open all of the boxes because I didn’t think I was strong enough to close them again. That every 3 months I am expected to turn up and for 20-30 mins answer any question thrown at me in a cold clinical way and be ok with that. And if this was any other day, maybe I would have been but I’m just not ok with it today. She seemed to understand my point and just said it wasn’t her intention to make me feel worse and we should leave it there. My cc took me in to a separate room to calm me down as I was just in tears and couldn’t seem to control them.

I came home and felt really down. My cc came round a couple of days later and I hardly spoke to her because I just couldn’t be bothered. I told her I was annoyed that I was just expected to open my soul at a given time and date and if I don’t then that behaviour is due to a psychiatric illness and not just because I’m allowed to find this whole process difficult. I honestly thought for the first time that the team I have actually don’t understand at all, because to be honest, I don’t even get it anymore – I just feel so lost.



Going Back to The Scene

18 Nov


I have been raped multiple times. I struggle to even write that out but this post is going to be a ‘as is’ post (i.e. just saying it as it is!) One of the times happened not far from where I live in a wooded area and since it has happened, I have not been able to go anywhere near the area, I used to love going for walks up round the hills of where I live but to get there means I have to go through this area and so I just stopped doing it.

I knew it was something I had to deal with and my care co-ordinator has been asking me for the past 5 weeks about what I want to work on with her. I decided I needed to look at the weight I have put on (some due to meds and some due to binge eating) and for me to get back to exercising as I used to love it and most of my hobbies surrounded this. And the best way to start is to go walking. In fact, I don’t actually think I’m able to do anything more than that right now! And so in order to go for walks, I had to go past this area where I was raped and me and my cc had decided we would work on that over the next 6 weeks.

The first time we planned to do this exposure work was on Thursday and I had been nervous all week. The night before I didn’t manage to get any sleep and I’d hyped myself up so much that as soon as my cc arrived, we went straight out. Just walking down the stairs of my apartment block I could feel my legs were like jelly and my breathing was becoming more erratic. My cc did her job in trying to distract me, talking inane chit-chat and trying to take my mind off how I was feeling.

As we were approaching the area, I felt like my heart was coming out of my throat, I was in a cold sweat and my legs just didn’t seem to work. My cc tried to say, “you are safe now, there is no actual threat right in this moment, it’s ok” but I just couldn’t take it in. Now matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t take my eyes off the place it happened. I was surprised how clear it was as to the exact spot where it took place. I could see it happening, see my face being pushed in to the leaves, even smell the must and taste the mud as I tried to plead for it not to happen. I just couldn’t stop staring at the spot. I felt sick, without even realising I had tears streaming down my face. I could hear my cc telling me to keep walking and not to torture myself by looking at the area, but I was drawn to it, I couldn’t help it!!

I finally managed to move my legs and we came out of the other side of the area on to a road. I just bent over and thought I was going to be sick, my breathing felt like there was something on my chest constricting me and all sounds became muffled, I just wanted to be back in my home – in the safeness of it. We carried on walking back a long a main road, which in itself is a tough test for me. I remember my cc telling me to go on the inside but I couldn’t stop looking over my shoulder every 2 seconds and everything around me was a huge threat.

I have no idea how, but I got home and just spaced out. I couldn’t breathe, I was sweating and had a bright red face even though I was freezing. We tried to do some mindfulness techniques with me washing my face and just trying to be in the now and know I was safe but I just couldn’t stop seeing myself in the woods – not in a flashback way, but in a 3rd person viewpoint.

It is now Sunday and I have been a mess ever since. I can’t sleep, can’t eat, struggle to even go on twitter (which is somewhere I always feel safe) and just feel broken. I can’t really find any other word to use than that. I don’t know what to do or how to make it out of this. It is a low I never thought I would hit again!!


Decision Time…

11 Nov

So the time has come for me to make a decision about the next step in therapy. Tomorrow I have a meeting with my care co-ordinator, therapist and psychiatrist to make this decision. I’m really grateful that they are allowing me to maintain a certain amount of control in this process but part of me is really nervous about seeing all three of them together (ridiculous eh!!)

Over the past week I have spoken to both my therapist and cc separately, to try and come to a decision. My therapist thinks that carrying on as me and her have been doing is a good idea and therefore I will be passed on to another cbt therapist (although it’s not cbt that we’ve been doing!). And when speaking to her, that sounded the best course of action.

And then after speaking to my cc who thinks a more explorative therapy might be useful, I tended to agree with her. I guess I don’t actually have an opinion on this. I don’t know if a certain type of therapy has helped me or it’s just the therapeutic relationship that has. The fact I’ve been able to go somewhere once a week and offload has probably been the most important thing for me.

I’ve asked my therapist in her experience, will I benefit from more of the same? Both her and my cc have agreed that it depends on how I get on with the new therapist and there is no right or wrong answer. If it doesn’t help me the way we think it should, then I can be switched (but that switch would involve going back on the waiting list).

I guess I’m just really confused and tomorrow I need to make a decision!

The other thing that is bothering me about this whole period is that I know I don’t let my defences down easily and trust is a difficult thing for me. I will miss the ease of turning up for a session and being myself without having to explain things too much. To build a new relationship is going to take time and the month of december is really not the best time for this to be happening. Whichever route I take, I’m likely to have a few weeks with no therapy and this coincides with the anniversary and if anything is the time I need support around me. I’m pretty worried how I will deal with this to be honest. Then for good measure just throw in the ‘c’ word, which is an incredibly triggering time for me, and this upheaval is something I could do without.


So I met with all 3 of them (a very surreal experience) and I think it had pretty much been decided by them, and me separately, that things would carry on as they are but just a different therapist. I was asked how I wanted the new therapist to be introduced; in my current sessions, with my cc or on my own. I picked on my own (you have to do it alone initially, so why not now!!). Both my cc and psychiatrist said at same time, “I knew you’d say that”. Apparently my stubbornness doesn’t just come across on here 🙂

It was also nice for my psych to say they’d all noticed how much effort I’m putting in to sorting things out and really pleased with that side of things.