Archive for January, 2013


20 Jan


I have made a decision to write on here the thing I disclosed to my care co-ordinator this week. This was for a couple of reasons:

1) When I first started this blog, its primary purpose was a place for me to write exactly what I wanted, anonymously, to get my feelings out in the open. However, I could easily do that in the form of a diary so why make it public? This brings me to the secondary reason for writing this blog. If by me writing out my experiences and feelings it can help someone else know they aren’t alone, then that really would be worth the pain I sometimes feel when writing.

2) I’ve tried finding online somewhere to make me feel less hideous about this specific thing and I haven’t been able to. I know from my cc that this is more common than I think and so it just must be that people who have suffered in this way don’t want to admit to it for a number of reasons.

And so the decision to put a blog post out about this has been a difficult one. I’m aware that some people I have spoken to and become friends with through twitter and this blog, might never want to speak to me again however, this is a risk I have to take. My blog is a place where I talk about my journey and if I hold back this piece of vital information then it won’t make any sense and I have to be honest.

And so here it is, I was forced to be sexual with a dog. I feel sick writing that. I don’t know if this is the right decision to put it out there, but for now I am going to publish it.

You can’t call me anything I haven’t called myself so please don’t bother and if you want to unfollow me on twitter, do so – I can’t handle negative comments about this post.

Just a little bit about why this is so different from anything I’ve published before. This is an area of what happened to me that I really can’t handle – it makes me feel inhuman, hideous and disgusting. To me, the choice at the time was do it or, I thought, die. To this day, I wish I hadn’t made the decision I did and instead let them kill me, but I didn’t and so I deserve to live with the consequences of my actions.

I don’t feel able to write anymore about this at the moment, I honestly feel sick from typing it out so I’m going to leave it there!!



04 Jan

Today I saw my care coordinator and she was here for about 35 mins. This is literally how the main body of conversation went:
cc: how are things
me: same as last time, still finding things tough
cc: what can you do to move forward?
me: I’m struggling to see any light
cc: what would make seeing some light possible?
me: having a want
cc: and what is that want?
me: I don’t know. I didn’t realise how important my work was until it has gone. I feel like they’ve taken everything from me now.
cc: you need to think about that want
me: I’ve got so much going around in head and I just can’t speak them
cc: try writing them, that seems to help you

So that took 35 mins to have that conversation throughout which I had silent tears streaming down my face.

I feel I’m beyond help. I don’t know the answers to these questions anymore and I don’t see any point. I’ve had enough!


New Therapist

02 Jan

Today I went to meet my new therapist. My last session with my previous therapist was in November before she went on maternity leave, so it’s been a couple of months. I’ll admit to feeling rather anxious, things haven’t been easy over the Christmas/New Year period and I feel on a very tight rope at the moment.

Taking all this in to account, I still went along today with an open mind. I remember first meeting my last therapist and having reservations about her. I thought she was too ‘fragile’ and didn’t feel able to speak my mind. Once I overcame this obstacle though, we forged a good relationship and by the end, she knew how to help me and get the best from me.

I know this took time to grow and so I knew that any new therapist I met I’d have to go through this process with. If I’m being honest, I don’t think I ever accepted the end of that last relationship. It has felt more like she has been on holiday and it was only going back to the offices today and seeing someone else that it has sunk in.

The fact is, the new therapist needs to understand me by asking me questions, being around me and seeing how I work. No amount of notes will give that kind of information and I understand this and am ok with it. What I don’t want to go over is the facts and basics of why I’m there, they won’t change from what is written down.

Today, I feel like I’ve had to explain my situation to someone who has never heard it before and that takes a lot from me. I don’t need right now to be reminded of it all, I need help to deal with the thoughts, the nightmares, the flashbacks – not to be triggered to all this.

This is personal preference, but when in therapy, I don’t like note taking. I feel it creates a barrier and on a number of occasions I had to repeat myself as she was writing previous thoughts whilst I’d moved on. That’s fine for some, but it takes me a lot to say it the first time and I just don’t feel like I want to sit repeating myself.

I know each therapist has their own style and no two are ever the same but I thought there were certain things they are trained in. For example, if unclear, ask and don’t make assumptions. This didn’t seem to be true today and I found myself getting frustrated because I kept having to say no. For example (and this is a stupid example) but I told her I felt being back in therapy was like having a mountain in front of me and that the top of the mountain was feeling how I did with previous therapist and therefore able to carry on where I left off. She thought I meant that therapy as a whole was a mountain and so I tried to clarify that I meant coming back in to therapy, not the process as a whole. After 10 mins of trying to explain what I meant, I gave up. The problem is, I generally work in analogies, it allows me to express my thoughts and everyone I’ve worked with so far has got this part of me straight away. However she seemed to make assumptions and once that had been made, wouldn’t change from it.

To be honest, after the appointment today, I have been left thinking that I don’t know if therapy is the right thing for me at the minute. I feel in too vulnerable a place for this. It has left me in a very low place.