Archive for February, 2013

Suicide Attempt – PTSD

23 Feb

On my last post I mentioned that I was being seen by the home treatment team (htt) but I wasn’t finding them much use. They weren’t being horrible or anything, just not particularly useful and I couldn’t really see the point in seeing them. But I did, and tried to be open as much as I could with them. One session with a different cpn  (community psychiatric nurse) left me feeling that I really didn’t have anywhere mentally to go. I felt like she just kept asking questions that made me see how bad my life had become from what it used to be and that I had such a long journey to go on and essentially left me feeling what the hell is the point? I spent a couple of days going backwards and forwards in my own head, asking myself questions about if I could see how/if things could change – I wasn’t coming up with many answers.

On Wednesday, I decided (rationally) that I’d had enough and wasn’t willing to go on this journey anymore. Part of me however knew that maybe there was a small section of me that still wanted to live and so I decided to call the home treatment team (as I kept being told to do) and see how I felt afterwards. It was 8.30pm (they are open until 9pm), but they share a number with a community mental health team that switch their phones off at 5pm. I left a message asking for a call back, and I waited! Nothing came. I ended up taking myself to a&e after taking an overdose – I’ve no idea how that small part of me overcame the rest in order to get help but it was obviously stronger than I thought.

I arrived at hospital and sat down expecting a long wait but when I saw the triage nurse, he took me straight through to the majors unit and gave me a cup of charcoal to start drinking. I’ve never had it before and never want to again – it was disgusting, gritty and just yuck!! I was starting to drift off to sleep and the next bits are really a blur, but I remember having bloods taken and a drip put in, an ecg and blood pressure etc taken a few times. I also vaguely remember a registrar being called and some things happening but was too out of it to know what.

I was admitted and sent to an escalation ward for a bed and again had obs done a few times and still had an iv drip in. I was due to see my cc at home on thursday morning and when I didn’t answer, she left me a message to see if I was ok. I called her back and she already knew I was in hospital and told me that she wanted to be in my psych assessment that they would ask for and she’d see me later.

I saw a medical doctor (with 3 juniors) and got passed as medically fit and they would arrange the assessment with psych. I also had a nice lecture from her about the dangerous-ness of overdoses – well yeah, I kind of wanted that to be the point!! I’m over medical dr’s being able to understand mental health as I’ve yet to see any real evidence of it. The same with the nurse on the ward I was on. There was 11 patients and 2 nurses and 1 auxiliary. Apart from the auxiliary asking me if I wanted a drink, I didn’t get any communication from the nurses – every other bed did – maybe they thought I wanted to be left alone but ah well.

My cc arrived and took me in to a private room where another woman was waiting from access and liaison services and luckily my cc took the lead. She asked to explain why we were there and I told her I’d had enough and that I’d tried to call the crisis team but I didn’t get a reply and I’d spent a couple of days thinking everything over. We spoke about the fact I just wanted to go home and sleep and I had to promise I would carry on with the home treatment team if I was to be discharged. I agreed and was left to go on my way.

I then saw my cc yesterday, she wanted to check how I was and she explained that her and my psychiatrist were going with a high risk management plan with me and if she wasn’t involved in my assessment at the hospital the day before, it was likely I would have been admitted. I’m extremely glad and grateful to them for that, as I know hospital is not an option for me!

So what now? The feelings don’t just go away – it’s not like one day I am suicidal and the next, after some charcoal and fluids I’m fixed. I still don’t know how to cope with what’s going through my mind all the time. The flashbacks, the anxiety, the tiredness – I’m just feeling so weary of it all and whilst I am giving things a go with my cc and htt, I can’t promise what the future holds.


Catch Up

12 Feb

It’s been about 3 weeks since I last posted and what a roller coaster of a time those 3 weeks have been. Initially, after telling my care co-ordinator, and posting about my disclosure on here, I felt a relief. I had so many genuinely lovely comments both on here, via email and on twitter that I thought I’d made the right decision.

There were a few people who unfollowed me on twitter and that was ok, I understood why they would do that. However, over the next week it began to become more ‘real’ and I’m not sure how else to explain it. I don’t know if it was because I’d told my cc and therefore it was out there, but the flashbacks started to become really intense – one so much that I ended up being physically sick.

I also started with this new thing where I felt like loads of snapshot images were flying in to my mind when I shut my eyes but they weren’t all viewable and then every now and then I’d make one of them out – not sure if I’m explaining it very well. It wasn’t like a flashback as I was still in the here and now. I’m not really sure what it is but it’s really affected my sleep and I’ve been unable to relax enough to get many hours.

Last week, my cc referred me to the home treatment team (used to be the crisis team) as she thought things were heading in a downwards spiral and I could do with the support. And I’m still under them at the minute. The only good thing about them is they have kept the same person dealing with me (at the request of my cc) and so I’ve not had to let lots of new people in but the couple of times she’s been round have been, in my eyes, pointless. It’s been the usual make a cup of tea and have a bath techniques that I’ve never used as distraction (I don’t like hot drinks and much prefer a shower!). But I’ve tried to let them in and help me as my cc is worried about me and I know and trust her enough to know that if she is, then I need help. Yesterday I got a call from my cc telling me there was a bed available in a respite place (someone hadn’t turned up) and did I want her to try and get it for me. Part of me wanted to say yes, I need that help but the bit of me that says ‘you’re worthless’ and ‘you don’t deserve anything’ won over and I said thanks for thinking of me but no.

The past couple of days have been hard. I have a gage of when things are good or bad and when I stop going on twitter (which I use as a distraction technique), I know they are bad. It feels like every time I dip down, I battle through to have maybe a week, or month of being ‘ok’ and then it hits again. It makes me think why bother battling? Will I ever be able to close my eyes and not see nasty things or is this it for me? Do I have to live with being dissociative when things get too much? Or will I ever see an inkling of the person I used to be?