Archive for May, 2013

Weird Experience, Anyone Else?

25 May

It’s currently 4am and another sleepless night. I’ve struggled the past two weeks to sleep much and to be honest I wasn’t going to share why on here. However, as I’ve said a few times before, I want this to be a ‘warts an all’ account of my journey because if I write about it, maybe someone else won’t feel as alone as I do!

After the visit from the police at the beginning of the month, I’ve really struggled. I think I’d put so much of my past into a box and shoved it as far away as possible, that it has all come pouring out and I’ve no way of stopping it.

The worst part happened last week. I think I’ve mentioned quantum physics in some other posts but it’s an area that I really find interesting and the whole parallel universe thing. There is nothing in that last sentence that is unusual but last week I felt like I had a connection. I can’t describe it any better than that, it was with an infant from a parallel universe (I don’t know how I knew this, i just did) and it was making me realise some things:

1) the meds I was taking were going to harm me
2) the ‘services’ who were part of my treatment were also out to harm me
3) the place where the infant was from, was a much better one and should join him there.

In the place I am now, I can see that maybe it doesn’t sound very logical. But I can’t discount that it wasn’t a real experience. I stopped my meds, I cancelled my care coordinators (cc) appointment and I shut myself away. When I told the pharmacist I didn’t need anymore medication, he contacted my GP, who in turn contacted my cc and she tried to get in touch.

I finally spoke to her this week and only because I started to become confused. Was this connection I was feeling real? Why would people want to hurt me? I decided to speak to her because in the past she has always done right by me and I had to trust the logic that she still would.

I went in to see her and we discussed what I’d said above and that I was confused. She told me that meds were always just an option for me. That they aren’t going to make me better, just maybe give me a notch on a ladder of emotions to work on and that only therapy will help me. She explained that I could stop them if I wanted, that her and my psychiatrist have always said that to me.

I left, still confused, but agreed to see her again later in the week and to have a think about whether I would be taking them or not. I’ve been so anxious and in a mess that I decided that if I was in control of taking them, then they couldn’t be to harm me and so on Wednesday I started them again.

On Thursday, we discussed what had happened and how my thoughts were. I explained I was still confused. How could I think something to be so true and know it as completely certain and yet it not be right? I still believe something happened last week and to be honest I’m still left with paranoia over people’s roles in my life and whether in actual fact, I shouldn’t be here and instead just carry on in some parallel universe and that this was a sign for me.

I’d be interested to know if anyone else has ever been through similar. My cc seems to think it is in the cluster of symptoms that my dissociation is in and it’s just one of those unanswerable things. However, I’d prefer to know more and why it happened and so if anyone knows of similar please let me know.



09 May

In the past, I have always been proud of how tenacious I have been. When things haven’t gone my way, I’ve gone back to the drawing board and looked at how I could get to where I wanted. Because of this tenacity, I was able to build a successful business and be happy in my social life at the same time.

My care co-ordinator has always said to me, that it’s my stubbornness (ok so maybe she calls my tenacity stubbornness but I like my word better!!) that will get me through this period of my life. Surprise surprise, I doubted her! I honestly thought it had disappeared, the trait that I had relied up on so much, my fighting spirit; all gone.

And then something has happened over the past few weeks that has made me think, just maybe, it is still there. I have made no secret over the fact I want to retrain as a doctor and move in to the psychiatry field. And so I set out to see what I would need to do in order to qualify for the medical school that is closest to me.
In no uncertain terms, I was told by the admissions manager that I wouldn’t get a place as I didn’t have the right qualifications. My degree is in a business related field and I got a 2:2 (all be it only 2% off a 2:1 but that’s not important is it!) and so I was told I wouldn’t be accepted. Even if I had an access to higher education qualification at the college they recommend, they would still look at my degree result and reject my application.

My question was, how can something I did 10 years ago in a completely unrelated field overshadow a recent, science based qualification?

When I got this from the university, I felt squashed. This was the first thing I had felt was worth working towards for me. I felt I had a purpose again. After a couple of days wallowing, I decided that instead of applying for the pre med course through the university (which made the 5 year medical degree, 6 years), I would go straight to the college and apply for it. Then once I had concrete results, I could show how serious I was and how my results were better (I would make sure they were!) So that was my next plan. I looked on their website and I met the entry requirements, so I put my application in.

A couple of weeks later, I got a rejection letter. Apparently my level of qualification was too high and therefore I wasn’t allowed on to the course. Again, I felt squashed. Who was I to think I could better myself anyway? I needed to get in to the real world and realise my limitations.

And then another couple of days passed and I realised I still wanted this and so if that meant me having to study for maybe an extra year or so, then so be it. I contacted my local college and they have an access to higher education course in science that looks interesting. So it wouldn’t get me in to medical school, but it would show how serious I am and I would look at another 2 medical schools that are a bit further away to try to get on to their foundation courses.

Today, after sharing a few emails with the course tutor to make sure I am eligible, I have put an application in for that course.

And so I have found my stubbornness, my unwillingness to never give up. If I can do it for a course, I can do it for my own mental health, right?



07 May


I wanted to write a post that’s a bit different from my other ones in that it’s about a couple of things from my childhood. I never normally mention these things as I feel they are boxed away and therefore not really up for discussion. I’m not sure if I will keep this post for long as ultimately it can identify me to anyone who might know me in real life.

The police coming round on Saturday (see previous post) has left me feeling extremely triggered. There are three reasons for this:

1) One of my earliest memories is when our next door neighbour was murdered and there was a lot of police around as my dad was the person that found him. This was just a bad memory but still one I struggle with regarding safety.

2) Not long after that my mum had amazing courage to leave my dad. He was extremely violent and adulterous and when he left us at home whilst he went on holiday with another woman, she left. This next memory is not long after we’d moved out (I was 5 or 6) and he came round angry and shouting. My mum locked us in the front room with her but he broke the doors down to get in. I remember the police arriving and telling me and my brother to go to the local park for a while. For obvious reasons, this memory is pretty distressing!

3) the third reason is when I was bit older (7 or 8) I slid down a pole at school that we were forbidden to go near. It made me bleed and when my mum saw the blood in my underwear and asked about it, I didn’t want to get in to trouble for going near the pole and so I said I didn’t know. After being taken to the doctors, the police were called as there were obvious abrasions. I had to have an examination by a police doctor and remember it all being very clinical and a lot of people being involved. I don’t remember at which point I told the truth but I do know they questioned the immediate males who had access to me.

The thing is, I was being abused at that time but he’d only ever made me touch him. But after this, he said no one would ever believe me now and he did more. I’ve got so much guilt around that whole thing. If I’d never lied about that pole, would he have ever done the things to me? Did I therefore bring it on myself?

Anyway, this is why I’ve been so triggered and struggled since seeing the police at my door. These are things I’ve buried, but are now on the surface and I don’t know what to do with them. I’m desperately trying to package them back in to that box and hide them away!


The Police

06 May

You may, or may not, have noticed that I deleted my last post. The one that said PTSD has won and I give up. I’ll explain the reason I’ve deleted it in a minute, but the content is still relevant. I do feel very low, I do feel that the PTSD has won, that I will always have it hanging around my neck and that I don’t know what purpose I have in this world right now.

BUT what that doesn’t mean is that I am going to kill myself or that I am using this blog as a platform to announce that! I have NEVER and never will put something like that out if I was planning something. Go back over my past attempts, I’ve never told anyone through this of any specific time or plan before I’ve done it. I’ve told my care co-ordinator and psychiatrist of deadlines I’ve given myself and that’s the times I’ve ended up in hospital and in hindsight I’ve told them because I’ve needed the help.

I’ve a very honest relationship with my cc and if I’ve wanted help, I’ve managed to, in someway, ask for it. Whether that’s going to a&e, calling out of hours, a duty worker or my care coordinator.

I used this blog as a place I could write my true emotions, things I’ve not always felt able to share in the short term with any of my support team. I’ll admit, it’s been an emotional crutch for me and it’s even on my list of distractions – write a blog about how I’m feeling. It was extremely important to me.

Now, back to Saturday after I wrote the last post (that’s been deleted). I wrote it at 4.30am after yet another sleepless night due to me being terrified of dropping off in case I have a nightmare. As I’ve already stated, it feels like the PTSD has won and that’s exactly what I wrote as well as what I feel it’s taken from my life – my relationships, my business and my freedom. I was/am down about it all and I’m grateful for the many people on twitter who seemed to care about me enough to get in touch and ask if I was ok. I didn’t disappear offline, I didn’t ignore those asking me how I was. In fact I was online all morning, again trying to distract myself and I was talking to many people.

Imagine my surprise then when I got a knock at my door to find two police officers standing there. My first initial thought was something had happened to a loved one. They asked to come in and if I knew what this was about. I said I didn’t have a clue and then one of them asked if I wrote a blog.

I was dismayed, someone had called the police based on one post and with no attempt to speak to me? Yes, I get it, I should be glad that someone cared enough about me to go to that trouble. But surely, it would have made more sense to speak to me directly as others had done? I am always around, via twitter, DM, email and comments on this blog. As already mentioned, it wasn’t like I wrote that PTSD had won and then disappeared. In all honesty, I felt betrayed. If someone knew my rough location, it meant that they know me quite well as it’s something I keep very quiet. I also give my nearest town as my location, as it’s more well known than where I actually live. So it’s apparent to me it’s someone I supposedly trusted as it was that same location they gave the police. As it turns out, I live on the border of two different counties, with the town I mention being in the one I don’t live in. So the police that attended were actually out of area which is why I know it was someone I’ve trusted.

There were two police officers, a female and a male. The female was lovely. She had read my blog and knew a lot about me. This made me feel extremely vulnerable. I’d only ever been able to tell my cc some of the things I’d written because of the shame and guilt and so to have someone I didn’t know or trust, in front of me knowing my innermost thoughts was horrible. The male pc wasn’t very nice. I felt like I was being interrogated, like I’d done something wrong. I was tearful throughout, as I had been anyway, and his style wasn’t helping. They left once they understood my meaning behind the post and whilst they didn’t ask me to remove it, I did anyway.

As I’ve already said, I felt betrayed and in all honesty angry. Like I said, I understand someone must have cared and thought they were doing the right thing for me at the time and for that I should feel grateful – but I just can’t.

So what now?

I write this blog not just for my benefit, but as a place where others can read what this journey is like. I get at least one email a week where someone tells me how grateful they are for it as well as others telling me, as the first person they’ve ever told, about their own traumas. That it has given them the courage to ask for help.

In all honesty, this blog is sometimes incredibly difficult for me to write. It can be very raw and at times when I’ve not wanted to carry on with it, I have – purely because of those emails.

But now, I’m not so sure. I feel like I have to edit my feelings and that was never the point of this. And so this could be my last post, I’ve yet to make my mind up. But I didn’t realise someone who I’ve never met could have the ability to hurt and betray me so much. As always, I’m just being honest!! Let me re-iterate though, I would NEVER put it in the public domain that I was going to kill myself!

**update** The person who called the police has emailed me and explained their thinking. I feel better knowing who it was and the intention behind it so I’d like to put it behind me now and try and move on. Thanks for everyone’s support through this x