Archive for July, 2013

Psychiatry Appointment

28 Jul

Tomorrow I have my quarterly appointment with my psychiatrist. It is essentially a catch up, making sure the meds I’m on are ok and if they need any change in the dosage.

However, after last weeks therapy assessment outcome, I feel I need to get everything off my chest. I told it all to my cc but as she is off she told me she wouldn’t have chance to explain my thoughts to my psychiatrist before my appointment.

I’m ok with this, I am more than capable of expressing my thoughts and opinions to my psychiatrist. I have a lot of respect for her, we have clashed heads somewhat in the past because we both speak our minds, but I also like her for that reason. When my cc realised she was off on the day of my appointment she said she wasn’t worried as I can more than hold my own, so now I just need to!

I’m pretty nervous about it, but only because I am still so annoyed about last weeks recommendation. When I spoke to my cc about it, she said we will review it when the therapists report comes through and that it isn’t a no, but just a not today.

I asked her how the circle can be broken because from my perspective they are saying I’m too high risk, but the reason I am high risk is because of the images and thoughts that are constantly going through my head with the trauma. I don’t need emotional regulation, I need help with the flashbacks and the fact I’m scared to sleep. I’d like to see how anyone (without trauma) deals with 2 hours sleep a night – if affects the mood in a massive way.

Using an analogy, I also told my cc that I feel that I’ve gone to my GP two years ago with a sore arm (PTSD symptoms) and initially they have tried treating that, but then they’ve seen a problem with my leg (even though I’ve never had any issues with it) and they decide to concentrate on that. And last weeks assessment makes me feel like they are recommending putting my leg in plaster and I keep saying but what about my arm? That’s my problem, why can’t we treat my arm?

I’m not sure how all this will come over to my psychiatrist tomorrow, but I can only hope I fight my corner well enough!


I’m so Angry!!

23 Jul

A pre-warning that this is going to be a total rant and might trigger some so please be careful.

Today I had my last therapy assessment session. The whole point of the past 4 sessions has been for this new therapist to assess what he thinks about the usefulness of cat therapy and art therapy. Throughout the whole process he has asked me what I think will help and I’ve told him I don’t know, that I’m putting my faith in the professionals.

But today, I wish I hadn’t! I arrived and he said we were going to discuss his recommendation and that he didn’t think I would benefit from 1-1 therapy. He told me about a group called ‘democratic therapeutic community’. It’s a one day per week group that, as the name suggests, is run democratically by service users. His logic behind this is because I’m caring he thinks I’d gain a lot from helping others. I told him that it’s taken me a long time to realise that although I do enjoy helping others, I need to look after myself first and deal with my issues.

I’ve only just got home and to honest I am absolutely furious. I can understand how the group environment would be useful later on but right at this minute, absolutely not. I wouldn’t for a second think I have the knowledge or training to help others except in a peer level and with respect to them, I feel I need someone who is qualified to help me.

Not once, has anyone asked if I’ve ever wanted to talk about what has happened to me. It seems modern day therapy shy away from discussing the actual trauma and to be honest, I just need to get it out. It’s eating away at me, the things I’ve seen, been made to do etc.

The therapist asked me what I thought of it and I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea. That my issues are rooted in the fact I struggle with flashbacks and therefore sleeping which in turn affects my mood etc and I need help with those things, not emotional regulation.

I’ve read the information booklet he gave me and it says it’s a successful treatment program for people diagnosed with personality disorders. And here is my issue yet again, I do not believe I have one!! As shown in an earlier post, I think complex PTSD is my diagnosis and yet here they are seemingly treating me for something I don’t have – this was my point initially that as soon as you have that label then that’s all they concentrate on. I’ll put it simply – my mental health is suffering because I was brutally raped, I saw someone die, I had a gun pointed at my head and the trigger pulled (learning only at that point it wasn’t loaded), I was made to be sexual with a dog and they are just the tip of the iceberg. How the hell can they come to the conclusion that I don’t need a qualified therapist to help me???

I’ll be honest, I’m devastated. I’ve been led to believe, from the beginning, that therapy was the thing that would help me. I feel I’ve invested everything they’ve asked of me in to the process and then to be told ‘well actually we believe peer support is what you need’ is basically a pile of bullshit!!


Therapy Assessment

04 Jul

Last Tuesday saw my first assessment session with my new therapist. The idea behind these 4 sessions is to see if they think CAT (cognitive analytical therapy) and art therapy is for me and if I think I can get something out of it.

I was incredibly nervous, when I first went in to my local psychological services, I was assessed by a man who really creeped me out and I was terrified it would be the same guy. I knew if it was, there was no chance I’d be able to go in to therapy with him and so my relief was overwhelming when it wasn’t. The new therapist was really nice, really chilled out and laid back but totally honest which was perfect for me. I could really see me building a relationship with him which was a real positive.

During the first session we discussed my fear of not being able to contain my emotions during therapy and the fact during my last therapy, I ended up in hospital twice. This scares me! We discussed the fact that the perceived benefit has to far outweigh the risks to make it worthwhile and he mentioned I could expect a 10-20% improvement. This shocked me, I don’t know why but I expected a much higher % – am I only ever going to be 20% better?

We then spoke about the fact I really didn’t want to go over my childhood issues again as I felt I did this last time and that it tipped me over the edge. With my last therapist, we did a timeline of my life and I suggested we look at that and he asks questions based on that, but it means I didn’t have to say it all again. He was a bit concerned because CAT therapy looks at childhood as the foundations of our patterns that we follow through to adulthood. He suggested I go away and discuss things with my cc to see of this is the right thing for me.

After a lot of thought and discussion with others I decided that I needed to just bite the bullet and do whatever I needed to in order to get better.

I arrived to this weeks assessment and he had been through my file and found the timeline but also found a chart that we did at the end of the last therapy sessions. He said that essentially, what we did was CAT and therefore he wasn’t sure if there was anything left to do in that respect as I had already done it.

To be honest it felt like a kick in the stomach. I have been waiting for 7 months for this and over this time, I’ve been reminded multiple times by my cc and psychiatrist that it’s this therapy that will help me the most. So if I’ve already had it, why do I feel this way still? Does that mean there’s no hope for me? Is this my life forever?

Next week we are looking to see if the art therapy will help but he said that he uses it in conjunction with CAT to come up with the emotional states, but we already have in the chart I have. I guess I’ll have to wait and see but I’ll admit to feeling very low about this and where the future is going.