Archive for October, 2013

Being Positive

12 Oct

This post is about how twitter has literally been life changing for me. Not only does it prove to be a kind of lifeline when I’m at my lowest, but it has also allowed me to meet some amazing people (both on and offline). Every now and then in life you meet someone who you click with and you know there will be a friendship there. On twitter I’ve been extremely fortunate to meet a few people like this and recently I’ve met some of them. All have been everything I thought and more and I feel incredibly fortunate to have come across them.

The most recent was a truly positive experience for me. The person I met made me feel extremely comfortable in myself and when anxiety hit, dealt with me in the exact way I needed. We also talked about some goals and I’ve had to dig deep, but I have found some motivation to try and see things in a longer term view and taking one area of my life at a time, set goals to work on.

I decided that after such a positive day, I needed to carry the momentum forward and so the next day I walked, on my own, outside. Doesn’t sound much I know, but this is huge for me and if I can start walking every day, I can work on my fitness as well as getting some fresh air. And so this is the plan; every day do one positive thing. Even if I’m struggling to get out of bed, this could be something as simple as having a wash.

When I had my business, I had a paper diary that I wrote lists in all the time. Things I needed to do that day and if I didn’t, what happened to them and so I’ve decided that’s what I’m going to do again. I’m going to use this system and write at the beginning of the day what positive thing I’m doing that day. Is it 27 days make a habit?? (or something like that).

Of course, as with anything in life, as soon as you start a plan something comes along to put a spanner in the works. This time it’s my medication. The side effects of the new stuff is a nightmare, I’ve had bad shaking – imagine having about 50 cups of caffeine and that will give you an idea! But it’s been the other things that have been tough, the audio hallucinations, the restlessness and itchiness. They got worse when my dose was doubled and since it’s the weekend I’m not able to get any advice so I’ve decided to reduce it back down and speak to someone on Monday. Normally I would allow this to negatively affect me but I’m taking action to manage it and moving on.

So this post is dedicated to all the wonderful people who have contacted me on twitter and through this blog, you all know who you are. You truly have had a huge impact on my life!


Update (with a trigger warning)

09 Oct


I know it’s been a while since my last post but I’ve had to concentrate on myself and getting things a bit straighter in my head before even thinking about getting it down in writing.

I’d literally just been admitted in my last post. Well, the next day, I met with my psychiatrist and although it was about 4pm on a Friday afternoon, she was willing to spend a bit of time talking to me. I told her I wanted to go home, that the ward had done its job and kept me safe and now it was time to be discharged. She obviously didn’t agree and said that no way could I have had a 180 degree shift in 24 hours. Ok, yeah, she was right but I really do hate being in hospital. We agreed that I could go out over the weekend as long as someone was with me (don’t even get me started on the whole, I’m informal, and therefore can leave whenever I want argument!!). And she also agreed to come and see me first thing Monday morning and if I still felt as I did, then I could go home. In the meantime my anti-depressant dose was doubled.

And so on Monday I was discharged. I told the psychiatrist what she needed to hear and was allowed home. Over the next few days though at home, I realised this was wrong on my part – I wasn’t feeling safe and how no idea how I was going to keep myself ok. For the first time ever, I admitted to myself that I’d asked for discharge when I really shouldn’t have done, maybe even just a couple of extra days would have been enough.

After a weekend struggling (my cc is currently off), I called duty first thing and asked to be referred to the home treatment team. I didn’t know what else to ask for because here’s the thing:

I have a rating from 0-10 on suicidal feelings. Anything below an 8 and I know it’s tough but they are just thoughts and I can deal with them myself. Above 8 and this is when I become a risk. My team know this and I’m totally honest with them if they ask. I guess in the past I’ve been a 9.5 and took action and then regretted it immediately and either hoped I hadn’t done any damage or a few times ended up in a&e.

However, my birthday attempt was a 10. I had made my peace with things and I was ready. The week before, I was happy and finally saw an end. When I woke up in hospital, I told them, “I just want to die, please just let me”. I had never felt that before. I’d always felt some kind of relief, but I was truly gutted.

I struggled for weeks with this feeling of devastation and went on to make another plan. This time however was when I ended up in the mental health unit at hospital and obviously the plan was scrapped for now.

So what next? Since last week I’ve had the home treatment team (htt) and I’ve tried to be as honest as I can with them and have been glad of the break in my days and I guess, ultimately an interruption to my ruminating thoughts when I see them. They can’t change how I feel though and to be honest, I’ve had a testing time trying to bring my number down to a manageable level.

I met again with my psychiatrist and we openly discussed things. I explained about me thinking I’d got it wrong in discharge but that it would be no use to go back in now, that my suicidal thoughts were still there but the intent was less and I could be trusted on my own. I know, and have mentioned before, that she runs a high risk management plan with me, but she does so knowing that if asked, I will be honest. (The reason I managed such a serious attempt on my bday was because I cancelled appointments so my cc couldn’t ask me.)

Anyway, in that appointment, we decided to try a new drug called abilify (new for me, not new on market). I’m kind of at the stage now where I’ll try anything and so I am taking it on a low dose this week and then having it doubled next week.

I think I will be discharged from htt next Monday as well as there isn’t anything else that can be done with them. And then it’s just a waiting game; waiting for my therapy re-assessment (that my psychiatrist said she is chasing up) and starting from there again.

Sorry, I’m aware this post is all over the place but that’s similar to my thoughts right now!