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Archive for February, 2014

Random Thoughts

21 Feb

This is one of those blog posts that I’ve no idea what it will turn in to. I have things on my mind that I need to get out and hence this, but there is no specific structure, just waffle!

It starts with therapy. For those that don’t know I’ve been accepted on to a DBT course (dialectical behaviour therapy). I had to commit to one year of both group and individual sessions each week plus a phone coaching call. This is a huge commitment and one I wasn’t sure about, but the other therapy option was 18 months so I decided on this one.

I started what is known as ‘pre-therapy’ a couple of weeks ago which what I can gather is 4-6 sessions introducing you to the concept of DBT and also building a relationship with the therapist. I’m lucky, the therapist is the same one I saw before that went on maternity leave, and so the relationship is already there.

I was due to start the group section at the end of March but you can only join at specific points and I’m away seeing my brother then so unfortunately I’ve been put back until June. My pre therapy will continue but will be spaced out to once a fortnight or more and so this is where I’m currently at.

However, it’s brought up some really testing emotions for me and I’m not sure if these are normal for DBT or if it’s just me. Basically (and I’m not sure how to put this in to words so bear with me), I already blame myself for what happened in my past and that’s something I’ve tried to work on before, unsuccessfully. When I saw some of the topics of the group skills sessions, I just got this overwhelming feeling that it was backing this blame up. Like if I had certain skills, I’d never have been in that position to start with. It sounds stupid when I’m writing it out, but I don’t know how else to put it.

I’m worried that I already have a negative mindset about DBT (especially after seeing some of the seemingly patronising skills sessions) and if I don’t address this then I’ll fail before I even begin.

I also really hate group sessions, the speaking in front of people, the associated ‘group’ aspect of my trauma – I’m just dreading it and not sure if I’ll be able to do it!!

The other thing that’s on my mind is going away to stay with my brother for two weeks. I should be excited and over the moon that I’m meeting my nephew for the first time (he’ll be 6 months). Also my eldest niece (7) has already asked if I’ll take her football boot shopping, so I should be looking forward to it all. But I’m not. I’m used to my own space and seem to be going from crisis period to crisis period at the moment and one thing I won’t have with 3 kids around is any space. I’m also going with my mum and we’ll be sharing a room so won’t even have that to go to.

I know that sounds so selfish of me, I’ve not seen them for nearly 15 months and so shouldn’t be thinking about how to escape them, but I’ve got to be realistic.

Anyway, I think I’ve ranted enough for one post. I still don’t feel I’ve expressed my therapy blame thing very well, but hopefully someone will see what I’m trying to say.

 
 

Trigger Warning: My Fault

14 Feb

**Content warning for suicide and rape**

On Wednesday night I found myself at a&e after taking an overdose. This has been coming on for weeks now, I’ve felt the build up, tried to ignore it and tried to talk about it but nothing seemed to help, I wanted to die, simple.

I went through the process of having my bloods taken, and essentially in a cubicle ignored in a&e (so sad that it’s how you’re still treated) until they decided to admit me for observation and I was taken on to a medical assessment unit.

In the morning a doctor came to see me and passed me medically fit and said I just had to wait for the psychiatry liaison team to pass me mentally fit before I could go – all standard up until now.

The woman arrived after about 30 mins (which is extremely quick for them) and we found a private room so we could chat. Unfortunately I’ve been through enough of these to know the process and I was ready with the answers before the questions even started. However, this was different, she didn’t stick to the usual format.

She asked me to explain why I was there (which is normal). I told her that I didn’t want to be alive, that the pain was too much for me the day before and I just wanted it to stop. She asked what pain and I told her the pain from the trauma, mentally, that I’m reliving it so many times, how am I supposed to live this way. At this point I assumed she knew what my trauma was, after all she had come from a department with access to my notes.

She kept pressing me, asking what specifically I was struggling with and I said I really didn’t want to talk about it. At which point she started on the, ‘we’ll if you don’t tell anyone how can you be helped’ lecture. I can’t remember how, but I said something about gang rape and she said oh so that’s what happened. Realising she had no clue, I said yes I thought you’d know that much – I was gang raped/raped multiple times over a 2 year period and everyday, in one way or another, I relive that as if it was happening all over again and I’m just tired of it.

And then she asked me a question that floored me, “there must have been some consent?” I asked why she’d say that and she said that I went there at times of my own free will and therefore must have consented. I told her there was never any consent. She asked if I was seeing one of them and I told her yes, kind of and she said well there was some consent then.

I’ve always blamed myself for exactly the reasons she was saying and to hear someone else put it out there hurt so much. Everyone else in my team has always said it’s not my fault and it’s something we need to work on to get me to see it. Now I’m thinking people really think like this woman but just too kind to say it!

She asked when I left hospital what I was going to do, I said sleep as I’d been awake all night and then I couldn’t promise what I’d do then. I’ve now slept, and my urges are just as high as Wednesday night and I’m not sure what to do, maybe try and sleep again and call my cc in the morning.