Archive for May, 2014

Granting Leave When Voluntary Inpatient on Psychiatric Ward

16 May

My psychiatrist saw me at hospital today and before I even got to see her I decided I wanted to go home. This morning alone, 2 men had separately tried to get in to my room (they were confused but it doesn’t change my distress) and the alarms had gone off 6 times – these are when someone is usually kicking off and staff need extra support.

But when I said I was struggling in the ward environment to my psychiatrist, she said I always find it hard but that she’s glad I came in on my own accord. Anyway, the upshot was that I couldn’t go home as she didn’t feel I was safe enough to do so.

I then asked if I could have some ward leave just to get out. She asked me how long and I plucked 2 hours out the air. She said no chance and this is where I get my back up. I’m informal/voluntary – which part of they can’t keep me locked up don’t they understand?

She’s agreed to 3 lots of 30 min grounds leave per day – I’m fuming. This is my freedom and my right to be where I want. I’m not sectioned and so they don’t have that power and control over me!


The Answer Was Yes!

15 May

On Tuesday I wrote a blog post called is it time for hospital? Well, it was and here I am blogging from my room in my local psychiatric ward.

I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed at the minute so I’ll keep this short.

I saw the home treatment team this morning who again reiterated the fact there was a bed available for me and asked me a question is never thought of before. If I was to stay out, what was the worst that could happen? And if I went in, what was the worst that could happen? She left me to think about it and after an honest conversation with a friend, I decided to call up and accept the bed.

It’s probably one of the hardest things I’ve done. On my other admissions I’ve had no real choice, it was go in voluntarily or be assessed under the mental health act. I just didn’t see myself being able to keep safe for another night on my own and that was the deciding factor.

I feel like a total failure though. That first of all I allowed the initial trauma to happen and then to let it affect me the way it has for me to be in this situation once again where I’m on a psychiatric ward. I just feel I’m at fault in all this. If I had the coping techniques they keep talking to me about then I’d be better at dealing with it and wouldn’t be here. Just splurging my thoughts out here so feel free to ignore them!!

For now ill sign out but expect more shortish posts from me as I try and distract in a place where there is nothing to do.


Update from yesterday

14 May

Yesterday I wrote a blog post about if it was the right time for me to seek help in hospital. After a lot of toing and froing with the home treatment team (htt), it was decided I would be ok on my own. I was hopeful that this was the case but I’d just had it – as I said in my last post, I was tired of the battle, of the black hole I seem to be in and more than anything the feeling of similarity from past experiences. Could I really go through this again?

I decided the answer was no, but I called htt for some help but stupidly it’s an answer machine system where you have to leave a message and someone gets back to you if they happen to hear it before they finish for the day. It reached a time where I didn’t think I’d hear back and took some tablets (I’m not going in to my plan but this was step one for me). As I was part way through taking them though, htt called me and as I always am, I was honest with what I’d done. She said she’d have to call an ambulance and went to do so. I felt incredibly guilty, I don’t/ didn’t want to waste resources and tried to say I’d get a taxi but she couldn’t take the risk.

About 20 minutes later I got a call from the police saying that a colleague was on their way, I still assumed he meant an ambulance so imagine my surprise when a police van turned up. I let him in and he requested an ambulance over his radio but they came back saying there were none available and they didn’t know how long it would be.

The policeman said it’s ok I’ll take her and asked me to get my stuff and he’d transport me to the hospital. When we got to the van, I assumed I’d be sitting with him but he opened the cell at the back and said sorry but I’d have to go in there. I was mortified, I knew my neighbours were watching and I’ve never been in that situation before. I climbed in and just sat and cried most of the way to the hospital.

He was extremely nice and when we saw how busy it was and I told him I got anxious in crowds, he put me in the police room at the hospital which was empty. I felt for him as he was only doing his job but why had it got to this point in the first place?

I waited around 3 hours to be seen and then was taken in to a cubicle and had bloods and an ECG taken. The nurses were lovely and I apologised for wasting their time. Then the doctor came to see me.

He asked me what I was tired of and if I had any psychiatric conditions, I mentioned PTSD and he asked for what. I told him and he said he was sorry. He asked if I had a boyfriend (I thought it an odd question). I told him no, he asked if he’d abandoned me when the trauma happened, I said no. He said maybe that would help if I had one. I was kind of stunned by the comment but was incredibly tired so just let it pass.

Next he went on to say how he knew people who had suffered severe atrocities (he mentioned Syria and people watching their families being murdered and mothers being raped) and how religion had helped them through these times, that it was God’s will and they lived with that love. He asked if I was religious, I explained my views (which I don’t want to go in to on here) and he said maybe I should seek God and the actual finding of him will be like a journey for me.

I was awestruck, I didn’t think doctors were supposed to impose their personal views on such things to patients but I thought I might have been overreacting so just said ok. It was only today when I asked people on twitter and it was a resounding no, that I realised it wasn’t just me.

Anyway, I then saw the psychiatric nurse and said I just wanted to go home to bed and so he let me.

This morning I saw my care coordinator (cc) at 9am and she obviously had no idea what had happened. She asked if I could maybe shelf the idea of suicide and work with them. My issue with that is I’ve been working with them for 2 1/2 years now and I’m still no better off, in fact I think I’m worse. She left me with the usual numbers and said to call if I was struggling.

I tried to distract, tried to sleep some and do some bits around the house but I just have this nagging feeling that I should have done more last night and I shouldn’t be here. I drove to a place that means something to me and sat and thought. It was turning in to a bad thought process so I called my cc who wasn’t in and so instead spoke to duty. It was a lady who had been out to me when my cc’s been away and so know her fairly well.

She asked me to drive home and call her when I got in as she knew my home is my safe place. I did as she asked and on calling her back she told me there was a bed available for me at the local psychiatric ward and did I think I should go in. I thought about it but I just couldn’t agree. The cons for me outweigh the pros of being in that environment and so I told her exactly that. She understood and said she knew htt we’re due to see me tomorrow and I have the out of hours numbers if I need them.

And so here I am, writing a blog as a distraction tool because I still feel the same way and it seemed to either be hospital or nothing to get me through tonight. It’s at times like this that I’m grateful for people on twitter who have helped me so much in not being alone.

Anyway, sorry for the essay but quite a lot has happened in the past day and I wanted to document it before I forgot.


Is It Time For Hospital?

13 May


So here I am again. Back in this empty, black hole where it feels there are no other options to get out than one; suicide. It just doesn’t feel that I can go through this cycle one more time of being at the bottom and battling to get up again.

This time I’m being honest with my care coordinator (cc) and therapist and trying to get help through it. I have had the home treatment team (htt) in for the past week but it’s been a series of new people which has made me go over everything from scratch and therefore no help at all. The main advice was listen to music to distract, that’s not really going to have that big of an impact!

Yesterday was a review meeting with my cc and htt and I’d had enough – I couldn’t see the point of working with them and told them so. It was suggested I wasn’t leaving much option but a mental health act assessment (to section me and go in to hospital). We eventually negotiated that if I went to my therapy appointment today, and called my cc afterwards then we could work with that.

So today I went as promised, but couldn’t see any difference. I sobbed my way through 40 mins without actually saying anything and my therapist called my cc whilst I was there to ask what was best.

The problem I felt I had was if I carried on being honest, which is in my nature, then I would probably end up in hospital. But should I go against my ethics and morals just to avoid this? I decided to carry on being honest but trying to work with a community plan to avoid hospital.

So here I am, waiting for the htt to come for a visit, which they will do everyday until Monday when it will be reviewed. I’m still in the mindset that I don’t know what the point is and I have given myself a deadline to try and make it until, which is quickly arriving. Then when the time arrives I’ll decide if I live or not – does that mean I need hospital or is it fair enough given my circumstances and cycle I’m seemingly in.