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Archive for July, 2014

It’s Not Depression

23 Jul

This is going to be a rambling post, I have no idea what I’m going to say and so I apologise in advance. However, one of the reasons I started this blog was to use writing as a therapeutic tool and so that’s what I’m doing.

I’ve come to a bit of a realisation this week but I’m not sure how to convey it – let me try! I know how depression feels, one of my diagnoses is major depressive disorder and to have that empty, hopeless feeling that hurts like a physical pain. But this is different, it’s not depression, it’s an acceptance that things won’t get better and that brings about the same empty feeling – making any sense?

It’s as if the symptoms are the same but there is just something different, maybe it doesn’t hurt, it’s just there. I don’t see the future, I know it will end but this isn’t because of an illness, it’s just because it is.

I seem to be on total auto pilot, but doing nothing with myself at the same time.

I’m going to leave this one quite short as I’m not expressing myself very well – if anyone else thinks they understand please feel free to comment, maybe it’s not just me.

 
 

Can Therapy Be Damaging?

15 Jul

**TRIGGER WARNING – SLIGHT MENTION OF SUICIDE**

I’ve not blogged recently – I’ve had a lot of family stresses to deal with which has taken up all my time and energy but after today’s therapy session, I feel the need to write something down.

It’s well documented throughout my blog that I don’t really want to be doing DBT and think it’s the wrong therapy for me, but recently I’ve found myself getting more and more frustrated with the one to one sessions (which was the area I was ok with). In them we do a chain analysis, where you essentially break down the thoughts and emotions and look to see at what point you could change the emotion in the future. For example, if sadness then maybe acting opposite and do things that would make you happy. Not exactly rocket science I know but that’s what we do in the session.

My frustration arises because it’s all we seem to do, everything is a chain analysis and I feel like we’ve done them to death now. I need/want to be dealing with the trauma, my past experiences, trying to diminish the effects of flashbacks and nightmares – is this too much to ask?

Yesterday in group therapy, I sat and cried in private as I felt it was so far removed from what I’m needing right now and I’ve tried to tell people but I just get the same response, that I need to be stable to go through the trauma work, but how can I be stable with such debilitating symptoms?

In today’s one to one session, I think I was quite unreceptive as it’s getting to the point where I’m thinking it’s doing me more harm than good and I told my therapist that I felt like I was wasting her time. She said the same back to me that it felt like she was wasting my time as she felt she was ‘nagging’ me. I didn’t see it in that way but I don’t know how much longer this can go on for.

The other problem I have is that I don’t see a purpose. What am I putting myself through this for? Is all this upset really worth going through to reach an end point that I can’t see? I don’t know if I’m making much sense here but this is when I start to think that logically, taking my own life is the answer because there is no other ending. I don’t know, I just don’t know!