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Archive for June, 2015

Going Away

25 Jun

**TRIGGER WARNING – SUICIDAL THOUGHTS**

I’m sat here on a deck in gorgeous weather overlooking a lake surrounded by all my family and yet I’m feeling suicidal. Why does this happen? Surely I should be at my happiest right now?

  
I’ve already had thoughts of jumping out of a boat in the middle of the lake without a life jacket on and just drowning and even as far as jumping in to the fire we had one night – so much so that I had to come inside because the urges were so overwhelming. 

I’ve forgotten to bring my medications up to the house on the lake and so maybe that’s why I’ve gone downhill so quickly but I wouldn’t have thought being off them for 5 days would have such a dramatic effect. 

I leave on Tuesday to come home to having no family (except my grandma who I have to look after) so I should be making the most of this trip, right?

My sleep is so disturbed, I’m sleeping in the sunroom (living room without blinds) and everyone has to go through to get to the bathroom and as soon as the sun rises it shines right on to my bed so I’m awake. I know how petty and whiny this sounds but I’m just trying to understand why I’m so suicidal when I should be happy 🙁

 
 

Update

15 Jun

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I last blogged. So much has happened since and yet nothing much at all. 

I’ve finished dbt and 2 months later have just received a copy of the one page post therapy report. It basically says I need to consolidate my skills from dbt and I’m not stable enough for any trauma work yet. If not now, then when? I feel this past year in dbt has been a waste of time as I was supposed to be doing trauma work alongside the group skills sessions. 

In terms of where I’m at right now, I’ve very dissociative and my cc believes this is due to my impending trip to America, which I am going alone and isn’t sure it’s the best idea. But as the stubborn person I am, I’m going to prove people wrong and do what I need to – it’s for my mum after all. 

I know this is a short update but hopefully I’ll blog when I’m back from America with more about how I am and fingers crossed more about therapy.