Archive for May, 2016

Why Bother?

21 May


I have felt my mood dipping for the past few weeks and I’ve done everything to try and stop it happening as I said there was no way I was going back to the dark place where nothing seems worthwhile. And yet here I am, feeling extremely suicidal and not having a clue what to do next. 

I’ve not seen my care coordinator (cc) for a few weeks now but we have been in white regular phone contact until this week. Last week I asked for some prn (as needed) medication and was given promazine to get me through the weekend with the view to seeing my cc at the beginning of the weekend for support. 

She called me on Tuesday and I told her I was really struggling and that I was feeling like I just wanted to curl up and die. She told me to go away and think about that. That left me feeling pretty crap and very unsupported. After I told her how I was feeling, there was no mention of an appointment in the week. 

I managed to get myself (one way or another) to Thursday evening when I felt very dissociated and unsafe. I called a newish number that is running across the whole of the trust which is a mobile number stationed about 25 miles away. She told me to distract which I’d been doing all week and was at the end of my tether. So a bit later on I called the out of hours (ooh) social worker for my area. He was really good, had worked in the same office as my cc and so knew my history and me. He helped to ground me and said he’d let me cc know I’d called and recommended I be seen face to face with someone the next day. I felt a tiny bit of hope. 

I waited all day Friday to hear from either my cc or if she was busy, duty. Surprise surprise no call came. This just fed in to my thoughts of being worthless and that I shouldn’t be alive. I started planning my death and even tweeted local police to apologise for an officer having to find my body (I knew their twitter account isn’t looked at over the weekend so had no worries about any repurcussions). 

I was really confused and thought I’d try and get help one last time. I called the ooh social worker again and this time she told me to go to a&e. If I didn’t go, she said she’d send the police (I hate being threatened like that), so off I went. This was about midnight. 

As expected for a Friday night, a&e was really busy and mainly full of drunk people which was really triggering for me and I was on the verge of a panic attack. An hour later I was seen by the triage nurse and I told her ‘I want to die’. She took my blood pressure and heart rate, both of which were high and she told me how anxious I looked. I explained it was the waiting room that I struggled to be in. She then told me I had to go back out there and wait to be seen by a doctor (the waiting time was 3 hours) and to be passed medically fit before someone from psych could see me. 

I asked if I could just be seen by psych as I hadn’t anything physically wrong with me and it would be a waste of everyone’s time. She said it was policy and I had to wait. She gave me a drink of water and sent me back to the waiting room. I lasted a whole 5 minutes before telling the receptionist to cancel me and I left. 

Even though just 5 mins earlier I had told a medical professional that I wanted to die, there was no problem with me leaving a&e or no follow up. So here I am today, feeling highly suicidal, frustrated with the whole mental health system and extremely unsupported. 

Who knows if I’ll still be alive by Monday when the office hours of mental health will be back open! 


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