Archive for July, 2016


02 Jul


I’ve thought long and hard about posting this today. As always, when I’m in turmoil about whether to post something, I often think that it’s exactly these topics that people don’t talk about. And so, here I am – putting my heart out there again in the hope that others don’t feel they are on their own. 

This post is about the grisly topic of suicide. I’ll admit to it now, I’ve told my care coordinator that I have a set date and a plan. She knows roughly the timescale but no one knows the actual date except me (and won’t do either). This then brings about the response from her that she can’t support a plan of suicide and so I’ve said that’s fine, I’ll go alone now. 

I totally understand that her duty of care means she can’t go down that route with me but if I’m honest, I did expect some kind of trying to talk me out of it or similar. Not just the dismissive “it’s your choice”. On the other hand though, what exactly can she do! I guess I’ve caught her between a rock and a hard place and apart from telling me she is there if I want to get back in touch, there is nothing else left in her role. 

So here I find myself, alone with my thoughts (she also withdrew the home treatment team that I’d been seeing for the past ten days or so) and thinking no one is willing to fight for me – even when they are paid to do that. 

I don’t need the ‘think about your friends and family’ talk. I think about them all the time and truly believe that without me, their lives would be better off. As one psychiatrist asked me to do, I asked my family what it would mean if I wasn’t around – only 1 person replied – says it all really doesn’t it? 

Anyway, I don’t know the actual point of this post now I’m writing it, but than I guess to say I’m ok with my decision and that in itself is ok. 

If by some miracle between now and my date, I change my mind, that too is ok. I need to remind myself I won’t be a failure by turning for help if it doesn’t feel right. I’m usually of the mindset that the gauntlet has been set, I’ve tried to garner help from services and so now I HAVE to follow it through or it’d seem that a) I’m weak and b) like it was more attention seeking and trust me it definitely isn’t that. So to remind myself and others that to change your mind is equally as brave is something I definitely need to do!