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Going Away

25 Jun

**TRIGGER WARNING – SUICIDAL THOUGHTS**

I’m sat here on a deck in gorgeous weather overlooking a lake surrounded by all my family and yet I’m feeling suicidal. Why does this happen? Surely I should be at my happiest right now?

  
I’ve already had thoughts of jumping out of a boat in the middle of the lake without a life jacket on and just drowning and even as far as jumping in to the fire we had one night – so much so that I had to come inside because the urges were so overwhelming. 

I’ve forgotten to bring my medications up to the house on the lake and so maybe that’s why I’ve gone downhill so quickly but I wouldn’t have thought being off them for 5 days would have such a dramatic effect. 

I leave on Tuesday to come home to having no family (except my grandma who I have to look after) so I should be making the most of this trip, right?

My sleep is so disturbed, I’m sleeping in the sunroom (living room without blinds) and everyone has to go through to get to the bathroom and as soon as the sun rises it shines right on to my bed so I’m awake. I know how petty and whiny this sounds but I’m just trying to understand why I’m so suicidal when I should be happy 🙁

 
 

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  1. Kirsty

    June 25, 2015 at 11:02 pm

    I wish I could say something that will help you, or at least explain why the happiest times frequently feel like the worst – but I don’t think it is that straightforward but I can relate to such emotions.
    I do however, believe that having been through any experiences which are horrific enough to cause complex PTSD, it is inevitable that good times can be tainted or tarnished by almost anything. Triggers are everywhere and generally happy times can actually create a sadness related to the ‘normal life’ we have lost and the lonely existence we endlessly suffer. Sending you my support in getting through every difficult moment until maybe one day the pain will cease…..

     
    • Female PTSD

      June 25, 2015 at 11:06 pm

      Thankyou so much – your words mean a lot to me x