**For anyone who could be triggered by any mention of sexual assault, please do not read on until you are in a safe frame of mind. Also this contains adult content so please only read on if you are an adult**

I have never gone into detail about what happened to me that night and I struggle to put it down and so I wrote it as if it happened to someone else – somehow I can detatch from it then and it doesn’t seem real!

So here it is, a lot still missing but this is all I managed:

After a long day at work, she returned home to be cornered in by a car she didn’t recognise. As she lived on a side road no-one was around. It was when she saw a guy she was seeing with a certain friend that she knew he was going to cause her trouble and that her heart dropped. He told her to get in the car where there were another 3 men that she recognised but didn’t know. She didn’t have any choice as she knew how dangerous these men could be. Once in the car she was shoved face down to the foot well and with a knee in her back, her hands were tied and she was injected with something. Over the next 10 minutes or so she became disorientated and became quite heavy and sleepy.

The next thing she remembers is feeling pain as she was being raped by 2 of them. When she realised what was happening she let out a scream which was quickly stopped by one of them. She tried to resist, kicking out although her hands remained tied and still felt dozy so couldn’t do anything. It was at this point that she saw the gun and it was pointed at her head and she was told if she made any more noise that she would be shut up. They were all laughing and cheering each other on as they took their turns and it went on for a time, them rotating and her being able to do nothing but silently cry for fear of being killed. If they noticed a tear, she was kicked in the ribs and told to shut up and told her that they knew she was really enjoying it so to stop pretending she was upset. She felt so much humiliation as they were all watching her being degraded and hurt and hearing them talking about what is coming next and knowing there is absolutely nothing she can do to stop it. They reduced her to nothing, a nothingness to pass around for their own pleasure. This kept going on and off until the next day.

When they had all finished and she hoped it was all over, they took the gun and used that on her and told her if she ever thought of telling anyone about what had happened she would get so much worse than this and then put it in her mouth and pulled the trigger. It was at this point that she learned the gun wasn’t loaded.

Leave a Reply


  1. Catherine Ann McArdle

    February 28, 2013 at 5:28 am

    I’ve learned that people can do some disgusting things to other people. I’ve never understood how one person or many people can target an individual & treat them like dirt. Make them feel worthless & show them a horror like the one you endured at the hands of these men. Its is simply that they chose to ‘please’ themselves & the right to ‘please’ themselves was more important than the scars & pain they have left behind..
    In my reply to the overdoses I asked why? Now I have read why. Why do you do what you do to cope? I take overdoses on a weekly basis. I only stopped for around 3/4 months & then I started again. I can’t even be trusted with a packet of 28x30mg of codeine!! I can space out that many to last a day but, it used to be worse & they’d only last me half a day. But, as always, there’s a reason why & if you want to know why I’m sure, if you have time I will explain.

    • femaleptsd

      February 28, 2013 at 11:04 pm

      Hi, thanks for the comment. If you ever want to go in to anything further, in private, feel free to use the contact page to get in touch x

  2. O. Wallace

    July 14, 2013 at 7:18 am

    I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m truly saddened and sorry that some people could and would do that to you or anyone else for that matter. I happened upon your page looking for resources for my spouse. Your stories are not too dissimilar. It happened when she was much younger (14 or 15 & drunk at a party, handcuffed to a bed) there were four of them, and then again when she was in her early twenties (by someone she knew and trusted). We’ve been together for several years now and after becoming sober she’s a much different person. I don’t feel that I know her anymore & the amount of anger & negativity that comes out of her mouth and fists can sometimes be overwhelming. I constantly remind myself that she’s been through a personal hell and the best I can do is avoid the fights I can, and keep our children out of the view of mommy’s rage. I find myself filled with anger as well. Not at her but at them, I would much rather that we never met, had children, been through our trials and tribulations that for her to ever gone through that. God knows I would have preferred that it happened to me than her. Her anger makes me want to hurt them, but at last I can’t. Neither of us knows the names of the four, and her other assailant lives elsewhere and if I find him, I go to prison. She’s apologized time and time again for, “making me pay for what other men did”. The apology is never truly need, as I love my wife, I just get overwhelmed with the fallout. I have so much guilt regarding what happened to her. Guilt for not stopping it, for not righting a wrong… But I don’t know what to do with this guilt. I wasn’t in the same country as her when any of it happened and I didn’t know her. Yet, the guilt still stand and I stay with someone whom I feel hates me with every ounce of her being. We essentially have no sex-life, she gets mad if I kiss her on the forehead, or try and hold her hand, or be affectionate by any means. She tells me if I want sex, not to ask her, “go down the street and get it from someone else”. I wasn’t raised that way and to me infidelity is evil and I’ll have no part of it. So I contemplate being alone, no wife, and as sure as she’d leave our providence if we divorce, no children either. Sharing more than I initially set out for. So I guess I’ll ask a question, don’t answer if you don’t want to. Knowing what you’ve been through, is there ever any hope for love? I can handle the lack of intimacy for long periods of time (this time it’s been nearly 7 months, the last time it was over a year and a half), but it’s the hatred that spews out her mouth that kills me. I hope you the best, after reading all you’ve written and for what it’s worth & as a physician, I’ll say that C-PTSD does sound more probable than BPD. I’d also look into Dissociative Subtypes of PTSD. I have the upmost respect for you in sharing all that you have & I thank you.


    Dr. OW

    • femaleptsd

      July 17, 2013 at 8:21 pm

      Hi there – thankyou so much for your comment. Firstly, I am so sorry that both you and your wife are having to go through this because of the actions of others. It sounds like you are so understanding of her and even though she might not show it, I’m sure she feels this way deep down. Is she getting any help? Are you?

      Don’t worry if you don’t want to answer those questions. In terms of your question, it’s my biggest hope that I someday find someone I can trust and love and explore that side of things again. I also worry that I never will be able to and I’ll be on my own forever. I know this probably doesn’t help you in anyway, but I guess deep down I truly hope I can.

      I hope this is of some use to you and feel free to contact me either by replying here or via the contact page which is private x

  3. Irish

    November 14, 2013 at 4:13 am

    Hi… I randomly found this blog, and am somewhat shocked to come across your story, as I have experienced almost the exact same year, and past trauma as you have… I was gang-raped at age 12, after also being molested by someone else from ages 7-12. I am 29 years old now, and this year, it finally all came to a head and in May-June of 2013, I was in a mental ward at the local hospital, 3 times. All I knew was that something was wrong with me, and I was severely emotionally unstable… always have known this, but never got the proper help or had the money or resources to do so, especially with our screwed-up health care system here in America. While in the hospital, I was diagnosed with PTSD. Everything finally made sense, except… now what do I do? It’s no easy fix, I still feel the same, I still struggle from sun up to sundown with roller coaster emotions, and at times don’t see where my life is going. I rarely sleep, even on sleeping meds. I’ve had trouble getting my meds, and am currently out of them, so tomorrow I am actually going to the emergency room just to get my meds refilled, as that is the last option in my situation with our terrible mental health care here in the states. I was also diagnosed as having “traits” of BPD, as you were. Although my issues do fit the profile. This is the first time I have ever reached out to anyone online or seen anyone who’s story was even close to mine… I feel your pain. I know it well. I understand you. I read you recently came to America, I hope you had a good journey- I live in Seattle, WA, in the U.S. If you ever need someone to talk to, I hope this site gives you my email, as I don’t know how this works…. all my love and care to you…

    • femaleptsd

      November 14, 2013 at 4:18 am

      Hi there. Thankyou so much for contacting me, I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through similar but am glad you’ve found my blog so hopefully you don’t feel alone in it all now. I know exactly what you mean about being diagnosed, there’s no magic pill we can take to make it all better (I’m current replying to this at 4am after waking from a nightmare).

      Unfortunately it didn’t pass your email on but if you want to contact me through the contact page, it’s private and I can reply to an email add rather than your comment. Hope that makes sense x

  4. Anonymous

    November 15, 2013 at 4:54 pm

    Wow…You must have suffered so much…But as Thanksgiving approaches, just remind yourself that your situation could ALWAYS be worse! And be thankful that you have all these supporters, and that people are working to help you overcome this!

  5. lisa

    March 16, 2015 at 11:54 pm

    Thank you for sharing. I too am a Survivor of Sexual Assault. But mine was by my husband. See I was married to someone famous and has no repercussions for his actions. I was drugged with GHB and repeatedly raped by whomever he wanted. I was unconscious and didnt know it had been going on for a year. Until I found the pictures. I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. I have suffered for 7 years. Thank you for the blog, because where I live there is no groups and or Art therapy. I am trying to get a book published to help those of us who suffer and feel so alone. I no longer have friends nor do I go anywhere. To everyone questioning types of Therapy. Please take what you can. I have suffered 7 long years. I have waste so much time. Much luck to all!