02 Jul


I’ve thought long and hard about posting this today. As always, when I’m in turmoil about whether to post something, I often think that it’s exactly these topics that people don’t talk about. And so, here I am – putting my heart out there again in the hope that others don’t feel they are on their own. 

This post is about the grisly topic of suicide. I’ll admit to it now, I’ve told my care coordinator that I have a set date and a plan. She knows roughly the timescale but no one knows the actual date except me (and won’t do either). This then brings about the response from her that she can’t support a plan of suicide and so I’ve said that’s fine, I’ll go alone now. 

I totally understand that her duty of care means she can’t go down that route with me but if I’m honest, I did expect some kind of trying to talk me out of it or similar. Not just the dismissive “it’s your choice”. On the other hand though, what exactly can she do! I guess I’ve caught her between a rock and a hard place and apart from telling me she is there if I want to get back in touch, there is nothing else left in her role. 

So here I find myself, alone with my thoughts (she also withdrew the home treatment team that I’d been seeing for the past ten days or so) and thinking no one is willing to fight for me – even when they are paid to do that. 

I don’t need the ‘think about your friends and family’ talk. I think about them all the time and truly believe that without me, their lives would be better off. As one psychiatrist asked me to do, I asked my family what it would mean if I wasn’t around – only 1 person replied – says it all really doesn’t it? 

Anyway, I don’t know the actual point of this post now I’m writing it, but than I guess to say I’m ok with my decision and that in itself is ok. 

If by some miracle between now and my date, I change my mind, that too is ok. I need to remind myself I won’t be a failure by turning for help if it doesn’t feel right. I’m usually of the mindset that the gauntlet has been set, I’ve tried to garner help from services and so now I HAVE to follow it through or it’d seem that a) I’m weak and b) like it was more attention seeking and trust me it definitely isn’t that. So to remind myself and others that to change your mind is equally as brave is something I definitely need to do!


Leave a Reply


  1. Brenda

    July 2, 2016 at 11:06 pm

    Hi, There. I’m sorry that you’re in this horribly, desperate place, again. I know from personal experience how bad that feels. I’ve, periodically, followed you on Twitter, when I’ve been able to, so know that things have been tough for you, for a long, long time now. What I can say is, that you must be so fckn strong to still be here after everything you’ve gone through. I’m sorry that your experience of “psych services” has been very similar to my own (I live in Aberdeen), it truly sucks. Gave up on them years ago and will only see my GP when I’m in crisis. There’s no shame, at all, in changing your mind about things and once again asking for help, if that’s how you feel in the near future. This is YOUR life here and that’s what’s important. These people are getting paid to do a job at the end of the day and it shouldn’t matter how many times you knock on their door to get it. Finally, I have to say that your idea of getting the PTSD App going is absolutely brilliant. Had I not been the age that I am, and through all sorts of services, this is something (when it becomes a reality) that could really have helped me, when I first started experiencing symptoms of PTSD in my early 20s. I really do wish you the very best with it. Feel free to keep in touch with me, if you want, I’d love to hear more from you. Take care and I send you love and hugs (only, if you’re ok with that) from “Bonnie Scotland” xXBrendzXx

    • Female PTSD

      July 3, 2016 at 5:42 pm

      I’d really like to keep in touch with you, thank you – could you email me through the contact form so I know where to send emails to? Thanks very much x

  2. Kirsty

    July 3, 2016 at 12:19 am

    My heart goes out to you because I feel your pain and understand the turmoil and anguish that is ever present in a life with PTSD. The lack of useful support when you really need it from medical and psychiatric professionals which leaves you feeling desperately alone.
    But you are NOT alone….. there are many more of us struggling to hold onto the chaotic, unstable rollercoaster we are on. I hope the strength needed to carry on can come from others with similar experiences and we can all benefit from each other’s support. You are often in my thoughts, I don’t follow Twitter so only see these posts and it is uncanny how often what you write mirrors my own experiences, thoughts and feelings. In fact, I sometimes think we must actually have the same care coordinator!! Likely they’re all just trained the same, but would be happy to chat with you sometime if you ever feel like it…
    Please try to care of yourself because you DO deserve that. And it may not mean much, but it would make a difference to me (and almost certainly many others) if you weren’t around. Hope you can accept my love and support and that it helps even a tiny bit xxx

    • Female PTSD

      July 3, 2016 at 5:41 pm

      It does help, so thank you so much. It is so difficult when you feel so a lone but comments like yours make me understand I am far from it – I just need to look in alternative places, so thank you for that! I hope you are ok though x

  3. Sarah

    July 3, 2016 at 9:58 am

    Thank you for posting this at a time where things are so bad for you. I have found myself in same situation where felt almost as if my care co0ordinator had endorsed my plans. What I needed most of all was someone to listen and to feel safe, to fell protected.
    I cant get link up but the Metanoia site has a script written for when you are contemplating suicide which has helped some people just by buying a little more time, just to delay the action.I downloaded it for myself on my phone for those times when I can not talk anymore , want to the pain to go away , know I need help but at same time want to be left alone.
    For a while as well I used the Samaritans face to face drop in service on a daily/twice daily basis and they became my crisis team. Sometimes they were just listening boards, sometimes they helped me plan the day. It helped at the time, that’s all I can say.
    The other place is Maytree. Maybe you know about it – in London ,run on Samaritans model and will take from anywhere in UK. Just one stay allowed but again, can be a port in a storm.
    So hard to struggle with this and just wanted you to know that you sharing helps others so from a very very selfish viewpoint would like this to continue. Hoping you are able to read this. Hoping you can find safety. x

    • Female PTSD

      July 3, 2016 at 5:40 pm

      Thanks so much for your comment, it means a lot to me. Its completely about what helps you through each day isn’t it? I know the metanoia site, I’ve read it quite a few times – and is a good place for people to go to. I will try my hardest to continue with this, I really am trying, honestly x